July 2, 2009

Hi.  Where do I start?  Today is the first day in a long time that I have felt that I’m not holding my breath (literally and figuratively) in what feels like a long time.  When anxious times hit, it seems my body starts doing weird things, and one of them is that I don’t breathe.  So today I am at least noticing that I’m not breathing, at which point I can try to fill my lungs with air, although at these times my lungs don’t fill with air properly or something.  It’s weird.  But – I still have an appetite and that is always a good sign.  It means that I’m not on my way over the edge of the cliff, I’m just sitting on a rock by the edge of the cliff.

I don’t really know what to tell you.  I’m reeeeeeally sick of talking to people about myself.  So I will give you a couple details and then we can move on and forget any of this ever happened.  My dad ended up having angioplasty in Calgary.  They put stents in 2 of the 7 blockages they found.  The other 5 blockages are only around 50% and they don’t do anything until 70%.  Weird.  Anyway, he’s at home now and is on the mend.  Our house sale is still in the works…conditional upon the buyer’s finances which should go through in the next couple of days.  We found another house that will do in a pinch (which would be the case) and so we’ve got an offer in on it that is conditional upon our house stuff being finalized.  So we have a home.  Not for the month of August, but after that.

The end.  Fill in the rest of the story however you wish.  It will probably not end up being as crazy as it actually was in reality.

And now I try to recover.  I’m pretty miserable in general which sucks.  That seems to happen to me after a period of pushing myself too hard and living off of stress hormones and adrenaline.  This one may take a while to bounce back from.

So, hey, I’m pretty sick of talking about my misery.  It can get to feel really self-focused a lot of the time.  I need to look outward, away from self, to others and to God.  I have again been reminded of the invisible safety net that is there for me, even when some of my stress has been created by me. 

It seems like everyone’s life is pretty screwed up most of the time since that’s kind of how life goes.  I know that I’m not the only one going through a crappy time right now, and as much as I hate to see other people go through crappy times, it helps to know that we are all kind of in the same boat.  It just seems like when you’re clearly experiencing some low blows from life, nobody else is.  But in reality, I know that most people reading this are getting a little bruised up right now, even though lots of times all I see are shiney happy faces.

June 28, 2009

I’m still alive people. So is my dad. At this point I feel like I have been chewed up, swallowed, digested, and – well – shat out. I’ll get back to you after I’ve had some rest.

June 23, 2009

I don’t know really where to start, so I’ll just give you the bare bones details of life as I know it right now because that’s all I have energy for. Basically, our house sold on Saturday. We found out on Sunday that the deal on the house we were buying is no longer a deal because they got a higher offer. An offer higher than asking price and we’re not going there. So we’re homeless as of July 25. The other thing is that my dad had another heart attack (?) episode Friday night while mom and dad were in Lethbridge for some appointment and he is now in ICU in Lethbridge. Away from home, in a place my mom and dad don’t know. So, I flew to Lethbridge yesterday because I can’t handle being at home thinking about how awful that would be for my parents. Hospital stuff is stressful enough. Hospital stuff in a strange place with no one around you who you know is ridiculous. They really don’t know what’s going on with dad and so all we are doing is waiting. and waiting. and waiting. Seems to be a theme in many areas of my life and I’m about to lose it.

I’m tired.

And miserable.

I know it’s all going to be ok. In a month, hopefully less, this is all going to be over and it will just be a story.

So what am I thankful for?  Ummm well, I think dad has a really fantastic doctor here and that’s great.

I need to go stare for a bit and then get back to the hospital.

June 17, 2009

As part of trying to claw my way out of my misery, I have been forcing myself to try and focus on the positives, or at least the “neutrals”, instead of zeroing in on the negatives.  Just because I refuse to “play happy” it doesn’t mean I can allow myself to wallow in the mud.  The tendency is to ponder every aspect of the negatives because that is truly easier.  But I have found some positive things to think about today.  Here is a sample.

#1 – This morning when I walked into work my boss said “Hi sunshine” and I totally had to laugh to myself because he should have said “Hi dark stormy cloud.”  At least I’m fooling someone, and I wasn’t even trying very hard.

#2 – We have a little bit more to go on with my dad…they are calling what happened unstable angina.  I don’t know what that means and will proceed to learn a bit more, but it’s better than hearing the words “we don’t know” one more time.  My dad also got a blood pressure cuff so he can monitor his ridiculously high b.p. and therefore have an idea of whether or not there’s a reason to panic.  And we also learned that in the event of a heart attack, if you massage the area around the heart clockwise 100 times it can help.  This is on my list of positive things because it makes me giggle.  Nice advice.  Anyway, more tests will be done on dad in the near future.

#3 – Throughout this house thing we have had a great banker whose name is Fred.  Fred rocks.  Nothing on the banking end has been even near stressful, and that’s pretty amazing.

#4 – I’m learning how to keep my house in a pretty clean, presentable condition at all times.  This is clearly not rocket science, but it’s unfortunately not my forte.  It has been exhausting good.

#5 – They aren’t lying when they say Raid kills bugs dead.  This has been very pleasing in the last couple of days as I battle some spiders trying to take over my deck furniture.  This will be a battle that any onlooking spiders will be talking about.  It might even go down in spider history.

#6 – I tried a new place at lunch today – Rice Bowl Fusion on 33rd.  It was really good…I had the Thai Green Curry.  Tasty, spicy, and something different.

So there you have it.  Some of the positives that I have been making note of today…

Tips for Home Buyers June 17, 2009

Tip #1 – buy my house

Tip #2 – when you make an appointment to go and look at someone’s house, SHOW UP.  If there is an emergency and you totally can’t make it then phone as far ahead of time as you can.  When people call a home seller and want to look at the house, this generally starts a chain of mayhem which involves rearranging one’s evening plans as well as tidying up the place.  So please, for the love of all things calm peaceful, just show up.  Do not – ever – call 2 evenings in a row to come and look at the place, never show up, and then call the third day with the reason of wanting an attached garage instead of detached.  Surely it was clear that the garage was detached before any of the phoning began…no?

Tip #3 – buy my house

June 15, 2009

Happy happy Monday.  At least it’s sunny and warm.  We were in Swift Current this weekend…Dad is doing ok.  Nobody really knows what’s going on.  They have literally zero straight answers about anything.  I’m tired of hearing from people that they know some kind of specialist and that Dad should just come up here.  If only it were that easy…  So, we wait. 

Other than that, things are kind of the same.  Nothing much to say this very minute.  Lots of thoughts ruminating in the ol’ brain which will eventually make it out through my fingers.  I feel like I’m kind of generally negative these days though, so everything seems to have this critical, negative hue to it.  I’m tired of the things I say being tainted with negativity and so for today I am going to say very little!  I run into this problem where I refuse to pretend, and so when most things are negative and I’m feeling a bit down I have 2 options – keep mouth shut, or be negative. I feel like I’m becoming that person who always has something negative or critical to say and who therefore is best to avoid.  ARG!  Stick with me my peeps…this ship will eventually turn around.  It always seems to.

June 12, 2009

Happy sunny Friday…finally!  If it was cloudy and gloomy again today I’m pretty sure I’d lose the will to survive.  But the sun keeps me from curling up in a ball under my desk today, so bring on the sun.  This week has been a bit weird.  Weirdest of all is probably how my dad is in an ICU right now due to the heart attack he had on Tuesday night.  (I found that out almost immediately after I posted about the power going off while in the shower…now THAT was one weird morning!)  I was kind of dreading putting that out there, because it sounds a lot worse than it actually is – as far as I can tell.  — Please, no dramatic comments — I think we’ll be journeying home this weekend though, just to give mom a break from the hospital and stuff like that.  I think he’ll be in the hospital for a while yet and may need some kind of minor surgery.  No one is telling them too much…if you thought hospitals here are frustrating, you should give hospitals in Swift Current a shot!  Even though this is not a big deal, it is really quite weird that I can’t go to S.C. to be with my parents because of a stupid job where I barely have any holidays.  It seems so pointless to be sitting there every day while there are much more important things going on in life.  It ticks me off.  But that’s as far as I’ve got with it – just ticked off.  I guess my option is unpaid time off which I will have to start considering more often.  This no holidays thing really interferes with living!

Ok, that’s all for now.  It’s been a long week, I’m tired, but so happy that the weekend is around the corner.

Well, that was alarming June 10, 2009

What a morning.  If you saw me right now, you’d probably be curious about how my hair looks.  Was in the shower this morning, about 1/2 done, and the power went out people.  This has always been one of my fears – that the power would go out while I was showering when Greg is away.  Just so happens he was away last night/this morning, and my fears came true!  My initial thought was – oh no, someone is in the basement and has shut the breaker off and now is coming to get me.  But, rationality took over and I decided that the truth was that the power was off.  So I finished showering in the dark – it’s amazing how little that affected my progress.  A couple of times I did peek out of the shower curtain to watch the light coming in from under the door to make sure there were no shadows moving by…  Then I had to get ready with no power, so the hair has been air dried and looks funny today :)  Weird start to the morning, I’d have to say.  I wonder what the rest of the day has in store for me!

June 8, 2009

The weekend is over and I feel like I need rest today.  I think the gloomy weather is totally sapping me dry – along with everyone else.  Zero energy.  Ze-ro.  Zero motivation.  I just want to curl up under my desk and disappear today.  Moods are weird.  We’re affected by so much more than what we usually factor in.  Lots of times people (including me) think that they’re feeling so “low” or whatever because something is wrong with them mentally, but really it’s just the weather, or something going on in their body, hormones, sickness, who knows.  Mind/body/nature – all highly interrelated as far as I’m concerned.  So much to factor in.  Whatever…my point is that today I barely have the will to keep going.

The weekend was good.  Did a bit more work on the house.  I have taken people’s advice and have not painted the kitchen yet.  Well, of course there are some people who think it should definitely be painted, so it would be more accurate to say I am taking the advice that translates into me doing less work.  Cleaned the clean house and mowed the mowed lawn - again …have been doing a lot of that, which seems so futile.  Normally, I DO NOT clean until things need to be cleaned, but hey – the house has to look good at all times right now.  So it does.  We had an open house on Sunday, and it was pretty slow.  Had a few people wander through who really liked the place.  Show us an offer people.

Yesterday was our 12th anniversary, so we went out for dinner with some friends also celebrating their anniversary.  I’m probably so unmotivated today because I ate WAY too much and my body is just trying to work through all of the fat!  Well, time to go fill my coffee cup to the rim again…surely coffee can help rescue this day from the land of blah.

June 5, 2009

Was just thinking about nothing in particular, but about relationships in general and what has been refreshing to me lately. I, like many of you, value my relationships greatly, which in my life translates into being uneasy when things are perhaps not as good as they could be or have been. But today I feel pretty positive about many relationships, and I am just trying to sit and appreciate the moment where there is no real “drama” going on – that I know of anyway! It has been refreshing to me lately to talk to people who I know are invested in my life and our relationship. It has been refreshing to know that there are people out there who know me so well that I don’t have to explain myself or choose my words wisely…I can let them fall out without editing them first, and it is all ok. It has been refreshing to me when people have made time for me and have not made it seem like it was an inconvenience in their busy lives. It has been refreshing to consider the possibilities of new relationships. So, right at this moment, I feel peaceful about relationships in general, and that makes it a good moment. Now I must work on being a good friend to the people I am blessed with in my life. This is no easy task sometimes…I know I let people down, people let me down, we’re all human and we can’t avoid these things. But if we allow ourselves and others to be honest and truthful, I think the rough patches can only lead to growth and strength.