November 26, 2009

Here I sit again in the Calgary airport.  4 hour layover.  A familiar place that’s for sure.  I don’t think I’ve been around here since June though, when I flew to Lethbridge because my dad was hooked up to various machines keeping him alive in the hospital.  This time I’m travelling for much much happier reasons – to go see my friend and meet the new person that she/her husband/God created.  I am looking forward to a break, even though it’s brief, from my day to day life.  This is one of the best parts of the trip – the anticipation, the beginning, still having the whole trip ahead of me to look forward to.  Of course the best part of the trip is spending time with my friend, but my pessimistic brain is always looking at how much closer I am to having to go home again.  Whatever…for now, I will sit here and enjoy the knowledge that in 3 hours I’ll be in Kelowna, and for now, I will not let the dread of returning home wreck my time.

Well, the guy beside me just decided that we need to visit, so clearly it’s time for me to move.  My I’m-not-interested-in-small-talk body language must not be obvious enough today.

November 22, 2009

I have had a very hostile attitude towards myself today.  I hate days like this.  Sometimes the brain just gets stuck in crappy thinking and there’s seemingly nothing that will make it go away besides going to bed and trying again tomorrow.  Oh, I hope tomorrow is better.  I’m tired of myself today…I just haven’t figured out a way to get a break from this person who is driving me crazy.  ARG!  I guess I’ll start making my way toward bed and work towards extending more grace to myself tomorrow.  And to others.

I do have something to look forward to later this week, and that is a trip to Kelowna to visit my long lost friend and her new baby.  This is what will keep me going for a few days.  And then I’ll freak out because it’s December.  <deep breath>  One thing at a time…enjoy the present moment for what it is instead of letting the worries of tomorrow wreck everything.  “Be anxious for nothing.” 

November 19, 2009

It’s that time of year again.  The time that people who are 100% introverted can’t stand.  I literally have 5 invitations to stuff sitting in my inbox that I have not replied to yet.  Christmas parties, birthday parties, jewellery parties, fundraisers.  SOS.  Don’t get me wrong, I love people.  I hate groups of people.  And I can’t stand having anything on my schedule.  Why? you ask.  NO IDEA.  Stresses me out.  Another one of my irrational stressors.  I think I’m just going to cancel email and phone service until the new year.  This is another one of those areas where Greg and I are not a good match.  He would prefer to go to everything he was invited to.  I would prefer to go to nothing.  Well, ok not nothing but not 3 things a week.  Oh well…it all starts tonight.  Going to some concert which is a fundraiser for the Children’s Health Foundation.  It might be ok…folk singer Carrie Catherine (or something like that?).  But seriously people, I’m sacrificing tv night. 

November 17, 2009

Disclaimer: The following are just thoughts.  This is not some passive aggressive way of telling anyone I am mad or disappointed in them.  I am not asking for help or attention.  They’re just thoughts people.

What I’ve been thinking lately is that it’s a fricking wonder that any of us can support each other at all.  It would appear that we are all (or almost all of us anyway) fighting difficult battles.  One of the challenges is to not be self-centered when our troubles are eating us alive.  Sometimes it seems like everyone in our life is being bent over by their challenges at the same time, and we are left to fend for ourselves because there’s no way that these poor souls have anything left to give to us.

Another challenge is that often the very things that we are struggling with are the things that others wish they had, the things that they think might bring them happiness.  Or the things that are the very opposite of what our friends might be going through.  How can we be supportive in these situations?  Grace.  Love.  Patience.  Kindness.  Or will we let jealousy and resentment rule.  One person wants a job so bad because being at home is killing them, the next wants to quit and be at home.  One person wants nothing more than to find a spouse, the other wants to walk away from marriage and be single.  One person believes that they need to downsize, buy a smaller house, get rid of stuff; the other has been wishing for a bigger house because they’re cramped where they are; the other is about to lose their house.  One person is weary from pregnancy or babies and can see some clear benefits of adoption; the other is adopting yet wishes for a birth child; and there still might be another who has kids and wishes for NONE (no one has admitted this to me yet, but I seriously think it’s a possibility).  One person has a high stress high pressure job and just can’t take it, the other has a zero pressure zero stress job and just can’t take it.  One person cannot be happy before they lose weight, the other is underweight to an unhealthy degree and can’t gain a pound no matter how hard they try.  Need I continue?

It’s a wonder we all don’t just go and buy big guns and hunt each other down.  Or buy poison and slowly kill each other off.  Yet somehow grace and forgiveness and love win out over envy and jealousy and resentment.  Not every time, but most times.  I think that’s evidence of God.  I think there is also a place for recognizing that no one’s life is easy, that that’s not the point or the goal, that nothing that we get or change will take away the dull (and sometimes not so dull) ache that I think is telling us this is not our home.  Nothing of this world can satisfy.

November 14, 2009

Today is a lonely day.  Even the air feels lonely.  It sounds lonely looks lonely.  Sometimes the clear sky and a sunny day makes this feeling stronger.  Weird.  I can’t shake it…it’s like a layer of grime stuck to my mind or something.  I’ve tried reading, coffee, visiting, exercise, cleaning (attempt to be productive), organizing (this is never my happy place but I thought it might feel productive), eating (never works), praying.  It’s still here.  What is with these kinds of days.  Oh well…maybe wine and dinner with friends will help.

November 10, 2009

Ok, so I have been feeling like I need to get to know my enemy a bit better and therefore did some brief reading up on the coyote at Wikipedia. Every night when I take my dog for the final walk, I look to my left and see nothing but darkness, and tonight I thought I saw a pair of eyes but it turned out to be nothing but a yellow Sask Energy marker flag blowing in the breeze. I nearly had a stroke. So I just finished my small bit of reading, and here are some of the more important points…

The coyote’s dental formula as I 3/3, C 1/1, Pm 4/4, M usually 2/2, occasionally 3/3, 3/2, or 2/3 X 2 = 40, 42, or 44. Normal spacing between the upper canine teeth is 1⅛ to 1⅜ inches (29 to 35 mm) and 1 to 1¼ inches (25 to 32 mm) between the lower canine teeth.

This means nothing to me, but the fact that these things have a “dental formula” freaks me out.

During pursuit, a coyote may reach speeds up to 43 mph (69 km/h), and can jump a distance of over 4 meters (13⅛ feet).

Grammie and I have worked on our distance runs, but speed not so much. Wind sprints begin tomorrow.

Coyotes will sometimes mate with domestic dogs.

So Grammie should watch her back…I never considered that they might just want a piece of that…

Hearing a coyote is much more common than seeing one. The calls a coyote makes are high-pitched and variously described as howls, yips, yelps and barks.

I know this sound all too well. Good to know that hearing these things is more common than seeing them.

Coyotes shift their hunting techniques in accordance with their prey. When hunting small animals such as mice, they slowly stalk through the grass, and use their acute sense of smell to track down the prey. When the prey is located, the coyotes stiffen and pounce on the prey in a cat-like manner. Coyotes will commonly work in teams when hunting large ungulates such as deer. Coyotes may take turns in baiting and pursuing the deer to exhaustion, or they may drive it towards a hidden member of the pack. When attacking large prey, coyotes attack from the rear and the flanks of their prey. Occasionally they also grab the neck and head, pulling the animal down to the ground. Coyotes are persistent hunters, with successful attacks sometimes lasting as much as 21 hours; even unsuccessful ones can continue more than 8 hours before the coyotes give up. Depth of snow can affect the likelihood of a successful kill. Packs of coyotes can bring down prey as large as adult elk, which usually weigh over 250 kg (550 lbs).

Most important:

Coyote attacks on humans are uncommon and rarely cause serious injuries, due to the relatively small size of the coyote.

See that is what I thought.

Due to an absence of harassment by residents, urban coyotes lose their natural fear of humans, which is further worsened by people intentionally feeding coyotes. In such situations, some coyotes have begun to act aggressively toward humans, chasing joggers and bicyclists, confronting people walking their dogs, and stalking small children. Like wolves, non-rabid coyotes usually target small children, mostly under the age of 10, though some adults have been bitten.

Well isn’t it nice that they single out “people walking their dogs” as something that a coyote confronts.

There are only two recorded fatalities in North America from coyote attacks. In 1981 in Glendale, California, a coyote attacked toddler Kelly Keen, who was rescued by her father, but died in surgery due to blood loss and a broken neck.In October 2009, Taylor Mitchell, a 19-year-old folk singer on tour, died from injuries sustained in an attack by a pair of coyotes while hiking in the Skyline Trail of the Cape Breton Highlands National Park in Nova Scotia, Canada.

Ok, only 2 recorded fatalities doesn’t sound too bad…I wonder how many recorded attacks leading to injury but not death.

Coyote predation can usually be distinguished from dog or coydog predation by the fact that coyotes partially consume their victims.

Ooooooh is that how I can tell what killed me. It will only partially eat me. Note to self.

After reading what Wikipedia has to say, I still feel a bit vulnerable and like it might be a good idea to carry a weapon. I wonder what would be the best choice. Decisions decisions.

November 9, 2009

It’s a good thing I got home after work when I did. I drove up to the house and what do I find? Greg stuck on the roof. You see, it is much easier crawling up a ladder to get on the roof than it is to crawl down the ladder to get off of the roof. Much easier. I remember a time when Greg and I both got stuck on a roof for hours when we were painting the trim on a house. It’s fricking terrifying up there people. So he needed me to hold the ladder (which was in the back of the truck and propped against the house…I’d say that makes it even scarier to get down off the roof) so that he was sure it wouldn’t move. Oh, ok, so if it does move what the heck am I going to do about it? I can do 1 solid push-up. I could probably get some kind of prize in a weakest upper body contest. I’d get crushed…and then he’d collect life insurance. Waaaaait a minute. Hmm. It would appear to be the case that I have some further investigations to do. Anyway, this is all in the name of putting up Christmas lights. Yes, I realize that seems a bit festive for me, since I cannot stand the sight, sound, or thought of anything Christmas until December. The lights are still not up…Greg will be in intensive therapy tomorrow so that he can face his fears again and finish the job. This year, my fear of climbing down the ladder wins (last year it didn’t and what a disaster that was…). This year, I do believe that untangling boxes of lights will be my good-enough contribution.

November 8, 2009

This kind of explains why I feel instant anger when someone puts pressure on me to go to church because it’s what I “should” be doing. Or when people say that I need to be “volunteering” specifically at church. (The idea of “volunteering” at the church is another realm of frustration for me…we’ll talk about that another time…) Give me a break! I’m open to being challenged on this, but until someone can present a valid argument, I will be at home most Sunday mornings, doing things that connect me with God and give me perspective, growth, and strength. (And yes I realize that there are a lot of “I” and “me” in there…I feel like I get my corporate worship elsewhere right now.)

Church gatherings were never the intended goal; they were the natural result of people finding others who were living their alternative Kingdom story. The goal of our missional life is not to grow churches. The goal of church is to grow missionaries. The goal of the gospel is not to get people to church. The result of the gospel is that people will find each other and gather because of the deep meaning of a common experience.

In Hebrews 10:24-25, we have the only direct encouragement for people to gather: “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another.” We must realize that this was not a plea for people to get their lazy fannies out of bed, put their Sunday paper down, postpone their family trip out to the lake, put on their Sunday best, and get to church. It was an encouragement for early Christians who feared for their lives, who were hiding in dark alleys, who were seeing their friends killed, and who weren’t gathering because of great persecution. It was a plea for people to defy their fears and draw together with others who were living life in the margins of society, who were on a common mission, and who were in desperate need of being encouraged by the stories of others whose lives were in peril because of the gospel. People were naturally dispersed because of mission, and the gathering was their way to hear the faithful stories of others.

…when people are bent on mission first, the gathering takes on different purposes. We have found that when the primary values are outward mission and incarnational life, the gathering becomes more about connecting people, corporate storytelling, vision casting, and celebration. In settings where the church service is the main thing, Bible teaching, singing, prayer, and ministry to people becomes the priority…I do feel it’s important for God’s voice to be heard through scripture in corporate settings, but we do this with a sense of God speaking vision into our collective mission rather than for personal self-help.
- Hugh Halter & Matt Smay in The Tangible Kingdom

Ya, “personal self-help” rings a bell…I’ve heard this said of the church I am committed to, but rarely attend. I really am committed to my church, and I really don’t buy that my lack of attendance makes that any less true. Anyway, I’d reeeeeally like to be a part of the church that these authors talk about, or actually just get to sit in on how they do things for a week or a month. They do kind of give ideas in the book about how to do this on your own, but I know that I’m not good at getting things like this started. And quite honestly, it gets tiring to keep trying new things and never have them work out. It seems like it takes a lot more energy to go and really be the church together in a tangible kind of way instead of making the church services the thing that we try and improve, the goal, the big event, the thing that gets the focus, the money, the attention. Bleh. Drives me nuts. I like the idea that the gathering is the natural result of people who are living incarnationally. I know that’s idealistic. That’s where I live, people.

November 4, 2009

Whew.  Another walk at night with Grammie has been survived.  No coyote attack.  I received confirmation today from a more reliable source that coyotes do indeed eat people.

It’s really weird living out here, not only because I need to think about wildlife, but also because literally every night when I walk down the street there’s either the shell of a new house that’s gone up since the previous night, or there’s something that’s been finished on an existing house.  Weird.  Weirdweirdweird.  It’s always changing.  And every time a basement is dug, the dirt is all over the sidewalk and street, and when it rains it’s muddy absolutely everywhere.  I long for the days of lawn, neighbors, driveways.  Less dirt.  Spring will be rough.  Oh well…maybe I’ll just heavily medicate myself in order to get through

I ended up having THREE coffees today and by 8:00 tonight I was still feeling pretty aggressive, even though the last coffee was consumed before noon.  I wonder how long that stuff stays in the body.  I’d say a good 7 or 8 hours.  So finally at 8 after feeling verrrrry aggressive I had to go to the gym and work some of it off.  But now I’m wired from being at the gym and therefore won’t sleep.  Ugh.  I know I know, you new moms are reading that and thinking suck it up…you don’t know tired.  I hear ya.  Why don’t you start a blog so we can all read about your difficult life right now ;;)

November 4, 2009

I’m sitting here with an XL Tim Horton’s coffee to my left and a L Tim Horton’s coffee to my right.  ITS GONNA BE A GOOD DAY PEOPLE.  I predict some serious productivity this morning.  And then a massive crash this afternoon, which I’m pretty sure can be prevented by keeping the coffee flowing.  Ah, I love that there are many coffee fairies at work.

Not much else on the brain…yet.  Just wait til coffee #1 kicks in.  This morning I saw a jack rabbit and a deer on my walk with the dog.  At night when I’m walking the dog I hear coyotes that do not sound far away.  It’s like the wilderness out there people.  I keep myself from running back into the house by telling myself that they are a lot farther away than they sound.  I used to tell myself that coyotes don’t eat people.  But Jordon tells me they do.  I’m still deciding if I believe him or not, as he refers to me as his arch-nemisis; therefore I suspect that the statement “coyotes eat people” is a mere fabrication designed to make my life a teeny bit more scary.  I’ll have to do more research.