thoughtsthatlinger.wordpress.com
September 30, 2010
Maybe being Good isn’t about getting rid of anything.
Maybe good has to do with living in the mess
in the frailty
in the failures
in the flaws.
Maybe what I tried to get rid of is the
goodest part of me.
Think Passion.
Think Fat.
Think Age.
Think Round.
Maybe good is about developing the capacity
to live fully inside everything.
- Eve Ensler, The Good Body
I love that.
September 16, 2010
I caved. My kids started part-time daycare this week. A few hours, 3 days this week. Will see how it goes. So far they are doing awesome. Happier. Less whiney. Sweet. It’s weird to me that in this culture paying someone else to look after your kids is something that we just do. Honestly, I couldn’t take it anymore. All day every day = me losing my mind. So, I’ve had 6 hours to myself this week, and I can feel a part of my brain growing back. YES. OF COURSE part of me feels guilty for giving in to the daycare thing. And the other part of me knows that it wasn’t an option anymore. Getting twin babies (ok twin baby BOYS) was clearly not a good idea for me! I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone with twin boys, but when they’re both around it’s insanity. If 1 of them is up from a nap earlier than the other, and I only have one to deal with it’s no problem. At all. When the other one joins the party it’s crazy. I’m positive that the effect is exponential. It’s not like just having 2 of the single children around. Because it is now noise and activity from 4 hands, not 2; 4 feet, not 2; 2 mouths, not 1. AND what really multiplies the craziness is whatever they are now doing because the other one is doing it. It’s brutal people. It kills me when I am forced into conversations when I go out with the boys and the person says – Oh I’d LOVE twins!!! Mmmmyeah…maybe you would love twins. For me, it’s been a nightmare. But hey – there are actually people who are made for this stuff!
Anyway, now that we have FINALLY found someone who will do daycare for us (after what feels like hundreds of phone calls and visits…probably more like 50) it is now time for me to really figure out what I’m going to do now. We can’t afford this daycare business so I have to find work quickly. And not only that – I don’t want to be at home all the time whether there are kids here or not (obviously preferable without kids). This deciding what to do thing is really hard. Sometimes it feels like an opportunity – ok, so now what do I want to do?! But most times it feels stressful. I’m stuck. So we’ll see where things go I guess…one day at a time.
September 13, 2010
I started reading a book yesterday for a little project I’m working on. It’s called The Religion of Thinness: Satisfying the Spiritual Hungers behind Women’s Obsession with Food and Weight by Michelle M. Lelwica. I have to admit, the book has been sitting on my shelf for a while now because I haven’t been terribly motivated to read it, mainly because it is written from a Christian perspective, and to be honest, I’m tired of the books about these topics written from Christian perspectives. They are often very shallow and shortsighted and don’t even touch the surface of the topic. Anyway, I am only as far as the introduction, but I already have found this, which has encouraged me to keep reading:
In an attempt to fill [the void in our culture resulting from a lack of symbols, beliefs, stories, and rituals - normally fulfilled by religion], many women have adopted what I call “The Religion of Thinness.” This “religion” teaches us that controlling our weight will give us a feeling of control over our lives. It offers us the hope of health and happiness through the idea of the “perfect” body, which we believe is attainable through diet and exercise. It teaches us to feel morally superior if we “eat right” (meaning fewer fat grams or calories), and connects us to a larger community of women who are trying to lose weight. It gives us rituals—like counting and burning calories—that create a sense of order. And it includes a plethora of icons and symbols in the form of models and actresses in whose image we are encouraged to recreate ourselves. Perhaps most importantly of all, it gives us an ultimate purpose—the “salvation” that comes from being thin.
I totally agree with this line of thinking and am interested in where she will go with it. It is shocking to me how we use something like weight and food, and especially diet and exercise programs, to feel superior, to feel worth, to feel like we’re doing something important with our lives, to create community and belonging. Of course, not all people do this. But it’s sad to overhear conversations that women are having – long, long conversations – about how they don’t eat sugar, or how many pounds they have lost, or what they are doing to sculpt their body, and so on. This just seems like a huge distraction sometimes. I understand the need for health. These conversations are not about health. But it is really easy to pretend these things are about health while we mask our needs for control, worth, belonging with things like food, weight, and exercise.
And so I will continue reading this book to see if there is anything else that’s good in here!
September 9, 2010
This is funny to me. I don’t remember this verse, although I’m sure I’ve read it a thousand times (ok, well maybe 10), probably just in different versions. This is from NRSV: “…Yet those who marry will experience distress in this life, and I would spare you that” (1 Cor. 7:28). Now, why are we always lied to about how marriage is, what it’s like, what it’s supposed to be like. It’s hard. And in this culture hard = bad. So we pretend it’s only fun and only satisfying and only roses. (Sure, it may be this way for SOME people, but I would say they’re a minority.) And that sets people up for failure. I don’t really know for sure that telling the truth about marriage would help anyone, but I have a suspicion that it might. It’s probably a really good thing I don’t do pre-marriage prep because I’m sure I would scare people away. Anyhoo, wasn’t really thinking about marriage today but just came across that verse and it made me giggle.
September 3, 2010
I’m still trying to figure out what to do with my life now that I’m a mom. Feeling the some weird pressures and tensions that are obviously new to me. On one hand I am expected (by no one in particular) to work, to have a career, to make something of myself. On the other I am expected to be at home with my kids, to love being a mom and therefore make that “enough” for me. There are these expectations from others, from society, and from myself. I’m having a huge struggle sorting all of this out. I guess it’s what women do. And some men. But I have rarely met a man who has had to be the one to give up a career or the hope of a career in order to be at home with kids. Don’t get me wrong. This is not something I expect my husband to do. But I struggle because it is me who is the one who has to make this decision. And it is me who will be judged either way.
So how do I do both. How do I find a balance of home and work. This is apparently trickier that one would think when you need to find a) part time daycare (almost impossible) and b) a part time job that pays enough to justify the daycare. There is rarely a good balance in life. Either you’re always working, or you’re always at home. Too much of one thing, not enough of another, and too much of another and not enough of the one thing.
Siiiiiiiiiiiiigh.
So what’s the good news today? The sun is shining. And my parents got possession of their house!!!! Back to some sense of normal how life is going to be now!
P.S. if you know of a fantastic east side daycare that is accepting part time (2 kids 14 months old), let me know. Immediately.
August 28, 2010
I am happy to announce that today was one of the best days that I have had in a long time. My stairs were left ungated. I read this morning until my legs hurt I had been sitting so long. When I got up from the couch, I left my book, my pen, AND my notebook on the couch. Just left ‘em there. There was also a half finished cup of coffee sitting on the coffee table. I proceeded to make my way to the bathroom, where the door had been open all morning instead of in lock down mode all day. I made a trip to Costco. On a SATURDAY. Just because I knew it would be total chaos and I did not care, I did not have to think about when 2 children would melt down and therefore rush through the store at top speed because I didn’t know how long I had. And I didn’t have to fend off crazy people wanting to touch my kids and ask me stupid questions. I was invisible. Aaaaaaah what a relief.
As you can clearly see, I was without my kids today. And it was so, so good. Wow, was it good. I can’t believe how my inner world was at work, full of ideas and possibilities and connections and memories. I felt alive people. This is all at the same time a relief, yet scary. Scary that I’m not missing my kids so much after a day away from them. Missing them??? ARE YOU KIDDING??? I think I can say that now that we have custody… (more…)
August 26, 2010
Wanna know something that’s weird that I just discovered? This may not be news to you. It is to me. If I have something to write about, something I want to say, it will come out TOTALLY different depending on what I’m using to get it out of my brain. If I am using my computer it will have a different tone, a different feel, than if I am using a good ol’ fashioned pen and paper. Pen and paper – more personal. Typing – more objective and distant. Weird. The voice in my head that tells me what to write (as opposed to those other voices…hahahaha) is different for each medium as well. I wonder what is with that. Clearly the mind and body are connected and clearly they affect each other, even when I am doing something like writing. Hmmmmmm. Just something I’ve been thinking about today.
August 25, 2010
custody. adoption. custody. adoption.
News flash: We have custody of the boys. I listened to a message from the lawyer this morning. In this weird case of ours, apparently we don’t have to go fully through with adopting, as having custody gives you all of the legal rights that adopting does. Or something. Normally when you adopt you don’t have “custody” of the kids first. Ah, “normally.” What a funny funny word. What an even funnier concept. Anyway, someone like me should never be forced to decide what to do in these situations. My brain goes to all KINDS of scenarios immediately. What it comes down to, I guess, is what is the best thing for the kids? A lot of people would probably say – there is no best thing in this case. But I say, will it make a difference to the kids somewhere later in life when they find out they are not actually “adopted” but rather, they are … “custodied”? What about when all of those people stop me in Superstore to ask if they are adopted… Welllllllll not really. But I promise that custody still makes me their mom? Wow…I really have never given these things a thought before. The legal mumbo jumbo is not my thing…
I don’t even think we ever D-E-C-I-D-E-D to adopt kids. This will sound really strange, and may bring judgment upon my head. But there you have it. About a month ago someone was interviewing me about our adoption and she was asking all kinds of questions about how we decided, and I had to honestly say – I don’t think we did. This was something that we kind of just started, expecting that it would take 3 years. And after the first year of our process there was no way that we could possibly believe that it would ever actually happen. And then there’s always that chance that you WILL get pregnant in which case that is where your attention is forced. So living in the – who knows what will happen – stage, which felt very very long, kind of meant that we could not be emotionally invested in either possibility. Because for the most part it did not SEEM like either would ever become reality.
And now here I sit. Thinking and thinking about custody adoption custody adoption. Arrrrrrrrg! Custody is cheaper so maybe the buck stops here 
August 24, 2010
There is nothing in my mind lately, hence, my absence. It’s a breezy, empty space. My energy is going towards trying to get through the next couple of weeks. My parents are both living in my house 24/7 until next Friday, when AT LAST they can move into their own home. It is one thing (still potentially stressful) for adult children to go back to stay at their parents’ place for a while. It is an entirely other thing for parents to stay with their adult children for an extended period of time. This is not a good idea. At least not in my family. I am tempted to start sending letters to the builder saying IF THIS HOUSE IS NOT DONE BY NEXT FRIDAY WATCH YOUR BACK.
So I am feeling like my space is invaded and since there is nothing I can do about it, I must get through. When an introvert’s space is filled with people at all times for days on end and there is no escape, the introvert will inevitably nearly lose their mind.
And so this is where I sit. At my computer, nearly losing my mind.
So what goes on in a mind that is nearly a goner? What does someone who is almost totally crazy think about? My mind is constantly scrambling to figure out how to get some space. And since I can’t do that my mind is constantly frustrated. And this leads out into my body. Go figure – the mind and body are connected. And so by then end of this period of time I think I will probably have a stroke. I guess I’ll start taking my Aspirin.
I am trying to make a whole bunch of decisions right now. I have never been good at this. All kinds of decisions – from what the heck to make for supper, to what the heck to do when I grow up. Every decision wears me down. And then there are all of the added decisions that come with being a mom – what will the kids eat, what will they wear, what will they do. Somebody make.it.stop.
I’m trying to decide what color to paint my kitchen. Living room/dining room are decided and done. Kitchen – totally stumped. Blue? Green? Yellow? Nothing appeals. Maybe I’ll just paint it black so that it matches the color of my heart.
I’m trying to decide on a daycare. Rather, I’m trying to even find one that can take two 13 month old kids. We have had people actually laugh at us when we asked if they had room. I did have a semi-hopeful conversation yesterday with a woman and maybe by next week we will be closer to a solution. She seemed to be much more concerned about whether or not they have had their immunizations than she was about their age, and the fact that there are 2 of them. SWEET.
Which brings me to my next decision. What am I going to do when I grow up? Where am I going to work? It is difficult to go back to a job where almost every dollar that I would make would go to daycare. As much as I would like a full time break from my kids, I’m not sure it is the best decision in my case. If I am basically breaking even at ZERO at the end of the month what kind of sense does this make. I might as well stay home and not pay for any daycare. <shudder>
All of these things that need to be sorted out feel overwhelming to me when I have no space for processing. And this makes decisions like what-are-we-having-for-supper make me want to throw myself in front of a semi.
