January 30, 2010

Ok, talk about the craziest 2 weeks in the history of my life.

My boys are home.  Thank you all for your support, encouragement, thoughts, prayers, emails and phonecalls (to us and politicians).  It’s all very overwhelming.  We have not had a second to process any emotions at all.  Except for this one – TWINS? WHAT WERE WE THINKING.    It’s going to get better…that’s what I keep telling myself.

Wilson is doing really good.  Isn’t sick really at all.  16 lbs of healthy sweet cuddly baby boy.  Mackenson is also very healthy.  22 lbs of active sweet baby boy.  22 lbs people – my arms and back are breaking.  I can’t even wash my hair anymore it hurts so bad.

Well, gotta go….just wanted to say thanks.  We are relieved, exhausted, and very very blessed.

Bipolar January 16, 2010

I think I’m bipolar.  I have 2 emotions right now.  1) complete elation (we might get our boys sooner).  2) complete devastation (we might never get our boys).  There is nothing in between.  Ok there is actually something in between.  That’s the time when I hold my breath.

So here we sit.  Another night at home watching the news, staring at the walls, reading email, holding my breath.  I need oxygen.  Save me from myself.

January 13, 2009 – the day of our first home study.  That was a stressful day.  It was the day when we did our best to prepare ourselves and our house for examination by the first of many examiners.  Who knew that January 12, 2010 – almost exactly one year later – a devastating earthquake would strike the teeny tiny country where our children live.

It’s all too much to handle.

January 15, 2010

I am so exhausted. But not nearly as exhausted as the staff and volunteers at GLA. Please keep praying that God would give them energy and strength beyond all human understanding. In between emailing members of the government, reading all the news I can find on immigration, and keeping in touch with other people adopting from Haiti to see what we can all do, I have been holding my breath. And trying not to have a stroke.

Give to Haiti January 14, 2010

It is hard to know what we can all do to help.  I think right now the best answer is – send money.  There are many good organizations to give to who will get the funds to Haiti.  GLA is a fantastic place to give to, as your money will go directly to the people who need it.  There is no middleman.  Clearly GLA will be in need of extra funds as a result of this earthquake as they will have many many more orphans coming in.  They also want to help people in their area, as well as their staff, many of whom will have to rebuild their homes and their lives, and on top of that, pay for things like funeral costs. 

Donating to GLA is reeeeally easy.  Just go to www.glahaiti.org and click on the “Make A Donation” link.  You can also go to this site: http://godslittlestangelsinhaiti.org/2010/01/12/earthquake-update-what-do-we-do/

January 13, 2010

This is from Dixie’s blog on the GLA website, perhaps the only source of information that I completely trust right now:

13 January 2010 5:00 PM

Well, it has been 24 hours now since the “earthquake” hit Haiti!  At 11:30 AM this morning, it was reported the Haiti had already suffered over 40 aftershocks ranging from 4.5 to 5.9 in magnitude and 14 aftershocks that were over 5.0!  I find that totally amazing!  I believe it and this does not count all of the little tremors that just shake the windows, my computer monitor and chair!  All of us are dizzy and have motion sickness from the constant shaking!  It never stops!  If it is constant is it truly an aftershock???

The nannies came in this morning and did well until we had a large aftershock.  Then the nannies ran down the stairs with 2 and 3 children under their arms and outside!  So all morning most of the children has spent outside. 

Then at 5:15 PM, we had a LARGE aftershock!  Scared everyone and they had just come in to feed the kids, so they went running out again!  I think they will probably spend the night outside…again!  My nerves are about shot with all of these tremors!  They are way too many, and keep going way to long!

Laurie just returned to the orphanage after being downtown.  Her photos which she will post on facebook are pretty awful.  The dead are being pulled out of the rubble and laid out on the sidewalk!  Some places had so many dead bodies in the that blood was running out of the houses and into the gutter.  Laurie said it was like water running down the gutter!

The photos show houses just crushed.  They are pulling survivors out of some of the stores and houses.  This breaks my heart!  We are needing donations to help.  We think there will be many orphans after this is all over.  We need to do our part and take them in when they are found.

We need bottled water, fruit bars, blankets, clothing, and shoes!  We are looking into getting a container sent to Haiti.  We also need diapers, formula, wet wipes, etc.  Please join us in delivering aid to Haiti.  To donate you can click on the DONATE button to the left or go to www.godslittlestangelsinhaiti.org and donate to the Haiti Relief Fund.

January 13, 2010

It has been a long day.  I’m so exhausted.  Somehow my tears just kept spilling out of my eyes today at random times.  I hate it when people see me cry.  I don’t know why… I would technically be an “F” but emotions people seeing my emotions still makes me uncomfortable.  Not as uncomfortable as Coop gets from being hugged, but that’s another topic.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all of the people suffering as a result of this earthquake.  In particular I think of the people with family members and friends in Haiti who cannot make contact and have no idea if their loved ones are ok.  That’s insane.  I thank God for the little bits of info that have come out of GLA on their website.  This has been a gift.

January 13, 2010

My kids are ok.  GLA has a little notice on their website that no one was hurt in the earthquake.  The earthquake is the worst news I’ve heard in a long time, and the boys being alive is the best.  But you know what?  This could sound mean and rude, but I’m reeeeeally tired of people saying things that in essence mean “coulda been worse.”  Ya, I guess it could be worse.  Thanks for your supportive words.  This will only add oh, a year to our process.  But ya, you’re right – look on the bright side.  The biological mother who lives in a slum could be hurt or missing…she has to go to court so we can have the boys, but ya – look on the bright side.  Our dossier is probably under a pile of rubble somewhere never to be seen again, but I suppose I really should look on the bright side.  Look, I don’t mean to whine.  Clearly there are millions of other people’s lives who are affected by this more than mine.  However, I am having trouble with people telling me that it could be worse.  So don’t tell me that or you will get the coldest iciest glare you’ve ever seen and then I’ll walk away.  I’m tired of explaining to people why this is depressing.  It’s a reminder of how fragile and vulnerable Haiti is, and therefore how fragile the process of adopting is, and therefore I again have to face the fact that this may never happen.

If something happens to my boys I think my heart will just plain stop beating.  I will stop living.  I try to go to God about this and beg him to protect them.  However, there is an ugly hideous lack of trust that I feel from time to time.  Yet I know that things like these are not works of God.  They are signs that this world is not our home.  They are are signs of SNAFU.  It wasn’t meant to be like this, and even the earth is waiting for God to make it perfect.  I’d bet that God is hurting more than any of us.

There is this one other curious piece to the puzzle.  Feeling like I was at the end of my rope last night, I realized that I have not got my mail since last week because I’ve been working all the time.  So at 10 I bundled up and walked my dog to the mailbox, and it is was a card from a friend that was celebrating the life of my kids and the fact that we are parents now.  It was the only possible way that God could show me He is still looking after me, and that He still knows me, and that He can still pull out the little things like this card (which was actually huge) even when He “can’t” stop earthquakes from destroying the place where my boys live.

January 10, 2010

Ever feel like life is getting away on you?  I worked 38 hours this last week at my 2nd job.  I can’t do this much longer.  I’m getting a bit burned out, a bit growly, a bit miserable.  I’m turning into a shell of who I am.  I hate these phases.  So I think about all the hours I worked this week, and then I realize that people do this ALL THE TIME.  Every week tons of people put in 80 hours.  Who would want to live this way?  I guess if you had no family and no friends it would be fine.  But seriously, aside from a baby shower I had to go to today, I haven’t seen any friends for a long LONG time.  This is killing me.  I haven’t been able to keep in contact with people.  Everything is just falling by the wayside.  Hate it.  This coming week could be the same.

Tomorrow it will be one month since we heard that we are getting twins and saw the boys’ pictures for the first time.  That was the day were I was shaking so badly from adrenaline I guess that I had to make Jordon write a fax for me because I couldn’t write.  That day seems like a long long time ago, but it’s only a month.  Well, 1 month down, 23 to go I guess.  Wow.  How in the hell am I going to last 23 more months.  Hopefully it’s sooner, but seriously, in the game of adoption you prepare for the worst and can’t even really let yourself hope for the best.

Alrighty…time to try and wind this body down.  This is another obstacle when I’m busy.  The anxiety things start coming out of the woodwork and wrapping their claws around my throat.  Stupid body/brain connection.

January 8, 2010

Well, 2010 has sucked so far. A bit of a rocky start, just because of 1 totally insane job. Also because I have not felt great, and neither has Greg, and that makes for 2 already miserable people without the extra hours at work. Anyway, I’ve been working my normal 8 hour day and then going to my other job for at least 3 hours every night (not tonight thank goodness). The person we hired when I quit just didn’t work out, so there’s another person starting on Monday. I reeeeeally hope the next woman catches on quickly because I need a break from that place. I guess that’s the silver lining in this situation – I should theoretically get a break from this schedule. There are a couple of new parents in my life who are struggling with the fact that a break is not possible from them. It must be hard to not feel hopeless about a crappy situation with no relief in the near future. At least I can keep stringing myself along with the idea that there will be relief. Even if it’s false hope it still keeps me going. I think the other idea that thwarts people is that if the situation keeps going they cannot handle it. We can handle it. We will handle it. We will get through it.  And if you already know that that’s a load of b.s. please don’t burst my bubble.

I did think of a sweet invention this week as a result of hours and hours of sitting at a desk/computer, and that would be the turtleneck massager. It would be a perfect idea for people with constant neck and back pain. Brilliant really. If anyone wants to go ahead and steal that idea feel free. Just be sure to notify me the second you have one made.

January 6, 2010

I knew someone would make my day yesterday.  Jordon danced.  That will keep me going for a while.  And this morning there was a Tim Horton’s coffee and a mug on my desk, and I’m pretty sure Jordon’s fingerprints are on it.  I guess that could be from trying to steal it, but more likely he’s the one who left it there.  You see, I am now through my probation period, and the deal was that he would have a life size cutout of himself in my office before my probation was up.  Well, looks like that didn’t happen, so I’m assuming the mug/coffee is the substitute.  I’ll take it.  And there was a promise made yesterday of more regular dancing.  So I guess I can let the life size cutout go.