October 30, 2008

Here’s another excerpt from “Unfettered Hope.”  This is something that resonates with me and gets me going…going where?  Not really anywhere so far.  Gotta figure these things out…

I want to concentrate on corporate activities, because the community helps to form our individual lives as Christians and because the potent failure of large groups of Christians to question society’s operating paradigm continues to allow it to flourish and remain unchallenged.

…The commodities of our society are so attractively packaged and so alluringly advertized taht churches sometimes don’t trust their own identity and think that they have to be similarly glamorous, even seductive, to appeal to the seekers in their communities, to announce their relevance, to provide all that their members need, to make a difference in the world.  In the process, the churches are adopting the culture’s device paradigm and thereby enter into a spiral of weakening-becoming less and less what the Church really is and then having even less to offer.  My particular concern in this book is that adopting these misplaced priorities means that congregations have no ability to equip their members to question the paradigm by which the church itself is functioning.

This kind of stuff always strikes a chord in me but I can never articulate exactly what I think about it so I shy away.  I really do believe what she says about our community forming our individual lives.  For some of us the church community is a large part of our lives, and we are definitely shaped by it.  So how am I affected by that community?  Where do the values of Lakeview show up in my life?  When it comes down to it, I generally don’t think that my church challenges how society operates, what society believes, how society behaves…I think that we actually buy into it in a lot of cases.  I feel like my church is seductive.  That’s a weird word to use but it seems to fit for me.  Ok, I’m not getting all MY CHURCH SUCKS here; I’m just sayin’.  I feel like it’s important for the church to be countercultural-or different than culture at least-different in a way that shows a teeny glimpse of the kingdom of God.  There are great things about my church too, and for sure there are areas where the kingdom is visible.  Overall I think it’s very much like culture, and maybe parts of that are ok…it bugs me a lot of the time though, and I don’t know what to do about it aside from looking away and trying to act like it’s no big deal.  I’ve talked to a few people about it, and there is a wide range of opinions out there…not everyone feels like me at all, and it is quite possible that this is an area where I’m wrong.  I guess I also try to see the areas of my own life where I am clearly being sucked in by culture (there are a lot), challenge myself and my friends (when I feel brave enough, which is rare) to live differently, and keep mulling it over.  Doesn’t really feel like action to me but it’s all I got right now.

Christmas confusion October 29, 2008

I’m reading a book right now called “Unfettered Hope: A call to Faithful Living in an Affluent Society” by Marva J. Dawn.  It’s really good…I like it quite a bit.  I’m only about 1/2 way through and so far it’s been a pretty tough read, but I kind of like the tough reads so I’m good to go.  Don’t run out and buy it if you’re up for a quick easy read   Here’s just a little bit from the book that I’ve been thinking about with the Christmas season coming up, which always tends to frustrate me.

On a similar scale, the Christmas season seems to cause many individuals and families to rethink their focal commitments.  Nothing in secularized North America offers a better example of focal concerns than Schristmas, for the celebration seems to promise that it will make people feel knit to their families, that it will give them security and happiness.  Yet the Christmas holidays often leave us feeling empty, depressed, disappointed, even angry.  Churches react against the holy day’s secularization (beyond the commercial) and scold their members about keeping Christmas focused on its true meaning, but the fact is that Christians and particular churches can be just as misfocused as the rest of society in their celebration of the festival.

 I don’t intend to offer here another diatribe against the commercialization of the holiday.  It seems that almost everyone acknowledges that, because the commercialization has become so blatantly obnoxious…I am far more interested in the sorts of expectations people bring to their holiday celebrations and the device paradigms or focal concerns that those expectations might reflect.  For example, some might insist on cooking and baking exactly the same foods and desserts they had as a child – not because they enjoy their engagement in the preparations but because that specific meal has become the device or means to produce the commodity of certain sentimental feelings.  Nostalgia is not a very beneficial goal toward which to aim because the means employed rarely succeed in resurrecting the feelings we remember.

It is extraordinary how often we seek the goal of various feelings – excitement, surprise, coziness, even devotion or adoration…Why do we do the things we do for holidays?  Totally apart from the question of commercialization, what is it we want to accomplish with our cards, parties, presents, decorations, meals?  How many people whom you know come away from the season refreshed because their practices accorded with their deepest commitments and reinvigorated them for the new year?

Seeking the goal of various feelings is a thought I haven’t really considered, but in a lot of cases, I guess it’s unfortunately true.  Why do I do all of the stuff I do at Christmas?  Well, part of it I suppose is done to love others and to love God.  But most of it?  Most of it I do because everyone else is doing it.  So lame.  Also think lots about the expectations that people put on holidays, especially Christmas…it’s crazy to me.

And so now, here I sit trying to make a stupid Christmas list of what I want from Greg’s family.  Seems so lame.  I honestly don’t want to get anything, but if I don’t make a list I’m gonna get a bunch of stuff I totally don’t want.  No one believes me when I say – I don’t want anything.  Sometimes it feels like we give gifts because we’re supposed to.  Sometimes it ends up like this – ok I’ll give you money to buy something that you want for yourself, and you give me money to buy something I want for myself.  Rrrrright.  Isn’t part of giving gifts the thoughtfulness behind it all?  It sometimes bugs me when gift giving is done mainly out of obligation.  Know what I mean?  Ok, so maybe I’m just being an idealist here.  I dunno.

Confessions of a bored employee October 28, 2008

I need a new job people.  My job is highly unstimulating, but that’s not the biggest problem.  I can put up with a lot as long as I am busy, and I am not nearly busy enough at this job.  The days when it is crazy busy, I’m fine.  The days when it is slow, not so much.  You see, not only am I a dynamo with the ability to do the work of 2 fulltime jobs in the hours of 1 fulltime job, I am also pressure-prompted.  This means that I get bored easily if I’m not under pressure to get things done.  Not a good combo.  Boredom is a killer for me…some might see the extra time that I have available as a blessing, but for the most part I seriously can’t stand it.  It would totally be different if I had the freedom to do whatever with that time, but I don’t.  If I say I need more work I get stuck with a make-work project, something that does not have to be done by anyone ever.  And that sucks the life right out of me too.  So here I sit, my brain turning to mush, my spirits sinking.  Feels like I’m watching my life waste away.  There are certainly benefits to being where I am right now, but these long boring days are definitely a struggle to get through for the most part.  <sigh>  My point?  Don’t ever complain to me that you’re too busy at work.  There are much more sympathetic ears elsewhere :)  I’m kidding…I can be sympathetic and I do understand that busy jobs are sometimes just too much…Ah, it’s always what I don’t have that I think would make me happy.  I’m sure that one day years down the road I’ll be complaining about how busy my job is.

Control October 27, 2008

Ok, so lately I’ve been learning about something we call control.  I don’t like to learn about control.  I don’t like to learn that I like control or am trying to control something.  God is saying LET GO OF THIS.  I am saying NO.  It doesn’t make sense to say no to God when He asks me to do anything, let alone when He asks me to release this to His care.  He can obviously do much more than me.  His results will be better than anything I could even imagine 100% of the time.  So why is it so freaking hard to open my hand and just let it sit there…in my open hand.  I’m white knuckling this thing…<sigh>  Slowly I can feel myself releasing…slowly…painfully…grrrr.  Really, when it comes right down to it, what option do I have?  Sorry to be all vague about the thing I’m trying to control…it’s related to parenthood and it’s too early to really put together any bloggable thoughts about it that I would feel comfortable with being totally public about.  This is an area that I know essentially nothing about and 99% of the time I don’t even know how I feel about, so best thing is to keep the thoughts to self right now.  I just gotta say, the subject is weird and sketchy to me and even as I think about it I’m learning stuff about myself.  I can’t imagine the stuff that you learn once you dive in.

And no, I’m not pregnant, so don’t go starting that rumor.  :)

What the?? October 20, 2008

OK I’ve had it.  I just worked away at peeling an orange for about 5 minutes, only to find a nice little WORM all snuggled up in the middle.  The orange was quickly chucked into the garbage.  I’ve been looking forward to that all day   This morning I poured unexpired cream into a full mug of coffee and it curdled.  Good grief.  I wonder what will happen with my supper…

Authenticity October 20, 2008

This weekend I had a good reminder about authenticity, which basically involved people allowing us the privilege of witnessing their pain.  This is one of the things I value most – authenticity.  I gravitate towards situations where I can be authentic, people with whom I can be authentic, people who are authentic with me and others.  When this isn’t happening I nearly go insane.  I wouldn’t say that this culture in which we live necessarily supports authenticity, and the church really doesn’t either.  Somehow we come to believe that the best way to deal with our sin or a difficult situation or a crappy marriage is to keep all of that a secret…just go on like nothing is wrong.  Somehow the idea gets into our heads that revealing the truth about a struggling marriage would be a weakness, but I totally see strength and courage in people who are able to do that.  I believe that there is some kind of healing in the instant that we let others in.  Have you ever had the experience of close friends being there in a moment where you and your spouse are having a total relational meltdown?  It’s pretty humiliating and awkward, but I believe that the best thing to do can sometimes be to share these struggles with others.  Not ALL others, and not EVERY time – obviously.  There is no point in going on pretending with everyone – especially close friends – that all is well with your world.  If your friends judge you or ditch you for being “weak”, guess what…they’re not worth having around.  Somehow one of my favorite memories is the night I was literally bawling in my closet, sitting in my hamper (who knows why…softer than the floor?) and a friend crawled in there with me and just sat there while I melted down.  Humiliating?  Ya, at first, and maybe a bit after…but still safe and good and authentic.

The Beatitudes October 17, 2008

I’m taking a class by distance learning right now on the Sermon on the Mount…not because I want to, but because I have to   Anyhoo, I listended to the first lecture the other night and it was pretty good.  Learned a few things, some of which I’ll share here because I have nothing else to do today at work and I have to sit here until 5   Might be straightforward to some of you, but it was good for me to hear.  In the lecture the prof talked about the beatitudes (Mt.5) and explained a bit about what each one means…

Jesus said blessed are the poor in spirit.  The poor in spirit acknowledge their spiritual poverty; they recognize themselves as both afflicted and unable to save themselves, and therefore they look to God.  When we are poor in spirit we acknowledge that we are sinners, deserving nothing but the judgment of God, and we know that we have nothing to offer.  This is an indispensable condition of receiving the kingdom of God.

Jesus said blessed are those who mourn.  The mourners referred to here are not those who are mourning the loss of a loved one.  They are those who mourn the loss of their innocence, their righteousness, and their self-respect.  This is the sorrow of repentance.  This is weeping and grieving over our own sins and the sins of others.  These mourners are blessed because they are comforted by the forgiveness of God.

Jesus said blessed are the meek.  The Greek word used means gentle.  This meekness indicates that our gentle attitude towards others is determined by a true estimate of ourselves.  It is easy to acknowledge ourselves as sinners before God, but it is much more difficult to allow other people to acknowledge our sinfulness.  Meekness is gentleness and humility in relation to other people that arises from a true view of oneself.  These meek, gentle, humble people inherit the earth, which is an idea that opposes what the world thinks – that these people will go nowhere.

Jesus said blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness.  This righteousness is moral (character and conduct) and social (in the human community).  God only fills people who are hungry and thirsty; the rich He sends away empty.  In this life, our hunger will never be satisfied; we are satisfied only to hunger again.  A permanent characteristic of citizens of the kingdom is hunger and thirst (until we get to heaven), and those who claim to have arrived – to hunger no more – are screwed up.

Jesus said blessed are the merciful.  If we show mercy to others, we will receive mercy from God.  We cannot claim to have repented of our sins if we are unmerciful to the sins of others.

Jesus said blessed are the pure in heart.  The pure in heart are the utterly sincere.  Their whole life is pure – transparent – before God and men.  They live one life out in the open – no masks.

Jesus said blessed are the peacemakers.  Peace = reconciliation = divine work.  Peace is not the same as appeasement, something that we seem to get wrong a lot.  Peacemaking is not ignoring sin or evil or suffering.  Peacemaking is not cheap forgiveness.  Sometimes peacemaking is messy – sometimes it is insisting on repentance.  It’s often not easy.  And it looks nothing like what we often assume it is.  I took a great class on reconciliation about a year or so ago and I should really go back through those notes and talk about it a bit.  I learned some great things about forgiveness and how it is cheapened…it was GREAT.

Jesus said blessed are the persecuted.  However hard we try to make peace, there are still some people who will refuse to live at peace with us.  Not all attempts at reconciliation will succeed.  The persecution referred to here is persecution for righteousness’ sake and for God’s sake.

The beatitudes are pretty opposite to what we learn in the world.  It would seem like the rich, the carefree, the strong and brash, the full, the secure, etc. are blessed.  But nope, it’s the exact opposite.  A tough one to get one’s mind around most days when the opposite is always in your face.

Random thoughts October 15, 2008

At the risk of sounding creepy and insane, just wondering if any of you find that you have restless fitful sleeps when there’s a full moon.  Last night I had one of those crazy sleeps and sure enough, it was a full moon.  Totally different than any other kind of sleepless night that I would normally have.  What is WITH that?

And second – I keep getting called by this number:  000-000-0000.  Shows up on my phone every day.  I’m never here to answer, and don’t know if I should even if I was here.  Who’s calling me???

October 12, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  I don’t think I’ve ever had so much turkey in one weekend…wowzers.  Turkey and pie.  We’re in Swift Current this weekend, which means time at both sets of parents’, which means way too much food and sitting around.  Every time we’re in Swift Current I feel like it would be so much better if the parents lived where we live…I’d rather have family time spread out instead of concentrated into a few days where you basically force yourselves to spend every minute together – whether you want to or not – because the next time you’ll see each other probably won’t be until Christmas.  I’m sure that if they lived in the same city I’d be saying wow, I wish they didn’t live here…Seems like it’s always what I don’t have that seems like the thing that will make me happy.  Funny how that happens huh.

Anyway, it’s time for me to go eat more turkey and pie, sit around, and have more forced family time

Not what I expected October 8, 2008

So, as usual our experience in Kenya was not what I expected…not surprising.  Just a few quick thoughts on that…I really expected the atmosphere at the orphanage to be one where you noticed a lot of suffering and sadness.  It was completely different.  Those kids, overall, are full of joy.  They are so thankful for everything that have, which basically includes a roof over their heads, 3 meals per day (except for when they fast so they can feed HIV positive women – unreal), a pair of shoes, and a uniform.  I was kind of thinking that there would be an atmosphere of thankfulness, but I also thought that I would come home feeling guilty about all that I have and all that they don’t have.  I can’t say I really feel “guilty” about it – definitely more aware and more thankful – but not guilty.  This has a lot to do with the Kenyans’ attitudes that I experienced.  Overall there was no hint of jealousy about what we had, no hint of wanting our pity, no hint of self-pity from them.  So what did I learn and what am I trying to apply in my life?  Thankfulness for what I have.  Recognition of what I have.  There are so many things I totally don’t even think about – totally take for granted.  Like running water – that you can drink straight from the tap, hot water, electricity, a furnace, appliances (fridge stove washer dryer), phones, internet…it is things like this that have become invisible and unrecognized in my life that all of a sudden are at the forefront of my awareness.  I’d like to keep a bit of that with me forever, but there is always that likelihood that the awareness will fade with time and I’ll forget how much of a blessing these things are.  And then there are always all of the extras that you miss when you’re away – a cup of brewed coffee (not instant), something from Starbucks, meat that you can chew without gagging, you know…things like that   We do have so much here, and with all of the blessings comes a curse – I think.  It’s the curse of too much, which seems to contribute to an atmosphere in my life in which I am too busy, I care less about things and people, and I become anxious and unsatisfied.  Always wanting more.  Insatiable.  Weird…  And now I search for ways to find some middle ground…