Not a fan of Sundays November 30, 2008

This is something that I’ve experienced all of my life – I can’t stand Sundays.  I get in Sunday mode…I want to do something but don’t know what, so I basically wander around aimlessly and waste the day, and then I get depressed that another work week is just around the corner.  And then comes the inevitably bad sleep on Sunday night due to going to bed late and getting up late all weekend.  ARG.  I will probably never figure this out for as long as I live, but I will say it anyway – I gotta figure this out.  Today turned out to be a surprise though, so that took a lot of hours away from Sunday mode.  Greg and I had breakfast with some friends this morning and visited for several hours which was awesome.  We got back home and about 15 minutes after trying desperately to fight Sunday mode but starting to fail miserably, the phone rang and a spontaneous invitation for coffee with a friend saved me from slipping over the edge to the point of no return.  It was great.  Maybe I need to start planning the crap out of my Sundays so they don’t drag me down.  But there’s that P word – planning – that tends to drag me down.  It’s lose lose.

Hmmm so what’s something positive that’s going on.  I’ve started to try and force myself to ponder some positive things every time I’m sliding over to the negative.  Today I’ve been grateful for this – both my family and Greg’s family have decided this year to trade names for Christmas instead of everyone buying gifts for everyone else .  That’s a step in the right direction as far as I’m concerned.  It may not be much less money, but it will be less gifts overall, which is good.  I hate to be one of those people who talks about the weather, but I’ve gotta say that the weather lately has been fantastic.  And one can never forget after being in a place like Kenya that I’m totally pumped about the fact that I can go drink water right from the tap and get hot water any time I want.  That has been something that I don’t take for granted nearly as much now as I did before.

November 27, 2008

Well, I’ve got a few minutes to blog right now, but now that the screen is open I’m finding that I have nothing to really say.    This week has been a bit crazy.  Monday started out terrible but things have improved.  Things are happening in my little world – happening but not yet…and maybe never.  I’ve been on a fact finding mission and we have a decision that we need to make in a week.  It’s all really exciting to me and that’s where my brain has been most of the time this week.  It doesn’t really pay to talk about it all yet…may never come to fruition.  It’s too risky at this point for me to talk about because it’s a little dream that is building inside of me and it’s not really “logical” or “practical” or any of those things, and like I said, it’s just a dream or vision or hope at this point.  But that’s where my brain is right now and that’s why there has been little going on on the blog!  I guess I’m pumped about possibilities this week and what could be.  There are so many possibilities to think through, and one minute I’m riding the wave of excitement while the next I’m kind of stumbling around getting confused and stuck in my own thoughts!  All weird to explain.  Anyhoo, I know it’s vague.  That’s all I’ve really got to talk or think about right now, so there you have the vague state of my mind.

November 24, 2008

Today has been one of those days where the only thing I have looked forward to since the moment I crawled out of bed is getting back into bed tonight.  Kind of a bad attitude, I know, but that’s the best I can do today people.  I think I’m just tired…lots of people stuff on the weekend, and both nights I was up until 2 a.m. playing Rockband.  Who knew I would ever sacrifice sleep, sanity, and productivity for a video game?  So today is just one of those days that where I just coast through, making a very insignificant contribution to anything that matters.  I hate days like this…I know I know – quit whining.  NEVER!  It’s the only thing I’m good at today

That’s disturbing November 21, 2008

I often have to go to CIBC on Circle Drive North for work.  Well, almost every day actually.  This means that I have to drive along that slow section of Circle Dr., and there are lots of semis, and there are lots of semis carrying animals.  And I get stuck right beside the semis at lights a lot so I have to sit there and try to ignore the cows.  This is highly disturbing to me people.  Every time I get all anxious and sad and mad.  I’m not going all PETA on your ass here or anything.  And I know they’re “just cows.”  And I know I like to eat beef and that I contribute to the reason why the cows need to be going for a semi ride, etc. etc.  Logically I get it, and I’m not turning vegitarian so that the cows don’t have to ride in the semi.  But it still is completely and totally disturbing to me, and basically all I’m saying is that I feel bad for the cows.  They’re all squashed in there and stressed out.  Poor cows.  And I had to tell someone and lucky for you, you’re the people I chose to tell.

Everything is difficult in Kenya! November 19, 2008

Just going through some more pics of Kenya…I love looking at them.  Good memories.  Look at what these people are always carting around.  Everything is difficult!!  I’m telling you, these people are made of different material than me…I would crumble if I had to do that.  Methinks they know a lot more about perseverance than I do.

More thoughts from “Unfettered Hope” November 14, 2008

Here’s another excerpt from this book that I found interesting:

The early Christians recognized the Empowerer’s [Holy Spirit's] forceful work through them because, under oppression and coming primarily from the lower classes, they didn’t own much or have much influence by themselves.  The Church in nations of poverty, conflict, and disease experiences it similarly today, for in those places Christianity is flourishing.

Our society, in contrast, stifles the Spirit.  It seduces us into thinking that hte perfect life for which we yearn can be found in accumulating and achieving more.  But the only perfect life is new birth and Holy Spirit empowerment for a resurrected and centered life.

I can say that when we were in Kenya I learned a lot about what the Holy Spirit does, how God works, when you have to depend on Him in desperate ways…They have a different level of faith there than I do in my own life.  They know that God will provide, and if He doesn’t, they have no way of making it on their own.  These people who in the world “shouldn’t” have any influence at all have all kinds of crazy influence.  Take Lucy, for example.  She’s a 30 year old woman who is running an orphanage with 250 kids and has all kinds of influence in her community and country.  You would never guess it from meeting her…she’s soft-spoken and gentle, and God uses her in amazing ways.  She depends on Him for life.  Very cool to see how God works there…He’s the same God here, but I depend on Him so differently – for sure not in the same desperate kind of way.

Here some more from the book…

The technological environment can easily insulate us from the true plight of those who are poor and forgotten – and often that leads to astonishing hardness of heart.  Instead, constant questioning by means of our focal concerns [loving God and others] enables us to find just ways to respond to grace by using our specific resources for the sake of the neighbor.

…Albert Borgmann cites William Ian Miller’s definition of courage as “the willingness to suffer discomfort or disgrace in the defense of what is right and good.”  When such moral courage is regularly employed by means of many decisions against the inroads of consumerism, it develops into the practice of fortitude for the long haul.  It is that willingness to suffer that we seem to lack these days, and therefore the abhorrent economic injustices of our world remain.  However, we will not be able to change and get serious about altering our way of life if we beat ourselves mentally or load ourselves with guilt about living where the standard of living is high.  That is also not the way of our metanarrative, which starts with grace and frees us with hope to be generous in pursuing actively and lovingly the well-being of our neighbors near and far.

Making decisions against consumerism does mean discomfort.  It is so hard for me to not get suckered in by consumerism.  I think it takes a very strong person to do this well in our culture.  I also think it takes a community of people doing this together in this society…this kind of living would definitely need support.  You’d think that we’d find that kind of support in our churches, but I haven’t seen that yet.  Overall, in general, I’d say most of us church people live in the same way as most of the world people…Actually we could learn a lot from a lot of the world people.  This is my idealism coming out again, but I wish that the church people could be the ones being an example to the world people – know what I mean?  Now where in my life am I going to start weeding out consumerism…hmmm so many possibilities.  ARG

This is madness November 10, 2008

This is madness, insanity, lunacy.  This is something that comes up for me a lot, it’s embarrassing and 1/2 shameful, and I only write it here in the hopes that someone else feels this way too and it is helpful for them to know that they’re not alone.  That, and in not keeping it a secret it gives it less power.  Ok, so now that I’ve worked it up to seem like something massively important and crazy, prepare yourselves for a big letdown.  The issue I speak of is the feeling of anxiety and panic when my clothes start feeling tight.  As much as it is easy to say that weight and measurements and physical beauty mean nothing – and I do believe that most days – it is very difficult to believe on days like these.  Days when I feel the legs of my pants trying to squeeze the life out of my legs…If I’m in a weird headspace this feeling of toit pants makes me panic instantly.  It makes me want to jump on the treadmill and run 40 miles.  It feels like that’s the only possible thing that will take this panic and anxiety away.  This was the old me – this is how I dealt with these feelings years ago.  The new me – the much more mature and wise me (I can see some eyebrows being raised…including my own) will just sit here with the panic, breathe through it, maybe pray a little, get some logic going on, and eventually it will dissipate.  How can this be?  How can it be that many women experience anxiety and panic over such a thing as tight clothes?  How does my anxiety get funneled to this insignificant, self-absorbed issue?  This takes up too much of my energy.  Fortunately I have found ways to deal with it…this is the stuff that is the material for eating disorders and the like.  Some day, when I have the time, I’m going to get to the bottom of all of this crap.  But for now, I will sit with my anxieties and fretful thoughts, make room for them (just enough room to not freak out; not enough room for them to stay), and keep working on myself and on becoming less of a freak

November 5, 2008

A couple of random things on my mind…Hmmm I say random a lot huh.  Well, that’s kinda my thing.

1) I’m pumped (heh heh) about gas being below $1.00/L.  I can’t believe that that seems like a steal.  I think I’m getting old because I get excited about such things…

2) Every time I go to the gym, I see a woman/several women stepping on the scale to weigh in.  Makes me sad.  I hate what numbers and measurements do to a woman – and a man, for that matter.  Weight is no measure of health people, only when it’s extremely low or extremely high.  Unfortunately we have made it not only a measure of health but also a measure of self-worth and happiness.  What a meaningless trap.

3) I need more people to exercise their right to vote on my tea vote.  Come on people, this is serious stuff here.  You, the people, are determining what kind of tea I’m going to buy.  Now if that’s not power, I don’t know what is.

4) Been trying to figure out the meaning and purpose of marriage.  Yeah, it’s no small question and I have certainly not come up with anything new.  It’s hard to remember for me at this point that marriage is NOT about me.  It’s hard to remember that as a Christ follower I have an obligation to serve others and not be self-centered…”others” especially including my husband.  It’s hard to remember that what society says about ditching the marriage if things aren’t going your way is not always best.  NOT that I’m interested in ditching my marriage.  NOT that I judge anyone in the SLIGHTEST for choosing divorce.  Not at all.  Just working through my own crap here…trying to figure out why people even choose to get married in the first place.  Companionship?  To have a family?  To honor God?  Because the movies say it will transform your life and make you happy?  To display the relationship between Christ and his bride the church?  To get the rough edges of ourselves sandpapered off by the demands of a complex relationship such as marriage?  Ugh…So many questions and thoughts about it all.  In general, marriages seem to be in trouble right now…I think they probably always were and always are in trouble and maybe I’m just noticing it more now because it involves my friends (and I’m getting old…).  If anyone has THE answers to these questions, please feel free to contact me

Random question November 3, 2008

If you’re a tea drinker, I’d be interested in knowing your brand preference of Orange Pekoe tea.  Gotta buy some more and I always stand there wondering if there is any difference in the brands.  What do you think?

Mmmmk sorry if the poll isn’t showing up…it’s THERE but seems to be invisible sometimes….NEAT