Very tired today again…Lots of activity going on at home getting things ready before tomorrow when we put the house up for sale! It is hard to sit at work while I know I have so much stuff to do at home. Oh well! I am tired though, and the last 2 days in a row, I have made some bad clothing decisions. I am waiting for disaster. I’ve got 2 pairs of capris that have 1 button, 2 snaps, a zipper AND a tie. Seriously. Someone is bound to walk out of the bathroom with something undone…Will keep you posted.
May 27, 2009
Well, it would appear that I never know what is around the corner in life! Around my house, we like change, and so change is what happens on a regular basis. We were kind of starting to think hmmmm we should probably move in the next couple of years, at least before our kid gets here. I’ll spare you the details, but it turns out that on Monday we made an offer on a house about a block away from us that all of a sudden went up for sale, and the accepted. Of course, there are many conditions that have to be met so it is not ours yet. One of those conditions is that now we have to sell our house. HELP! This just means a few touch ups and a good clean, so really it’s not that bad. But we’re putting it up for sale by Friday, so our evenings right now are a gongshow! We’ll see what ends up happening…we really have no idea how it will all shake out. We shouldn’t have any trouble selling the place, but you just don’t know that. And since we like it there and are in no way desperate to move, it’s no big deal if it all falls through.
Other than scrambling around as a result of the house thing, I’m still scrambling around trying to finish painting the offices I’ve been painting. Been feeling like I need a day off from all forms of work, which I just screwed myself out of by deciding to put my house up for sale!! ARG – got coffee anyone? Just keep it comin’.
How quickly I forget May 23, 2009
This weekend I have a to do list about as long as my arm. And the energy I have to do the to do list is minimal. This gets me in the same bind every time – no energy to do what I have to do, therefore I put it off…and put it off…and put it off. And then I get miserable because I’m avoiding the things that I need to do. And THEN if I’m not careful I can start getting a bit depressed, low, blah, whatever you want to call it. Even though I’ve learned MULTIPLE times before that the best remedy for these feelings is to just tackle the very things I’m avoiding whether or not I feel like it, today I avoided the things for a while. Painting. Yard work. Cleaning house. Cleaning car. All there for me to do. All being avoided. All resulting in misery. It’s not even like I just end up doing something I want to do instead…I mainly just stand around and stare and be miserable. So lame! Anyway, I finally forced myself to just get started and it has turned out ok. My point, I guess, is that it was not too long ago – just shy of 2 months – that I would’ve given ANYTHING to just have a terrible list of things to do, instead of having a terrible list of things to do PLUS school work. At that point, having to clean my entire house and do all of the yard work at once all by myself was a welcome thought. If I could have only remembered that this morning! That thought brings some relief. Aaahhhh…all I have to do again tomorrow is paint and do yard work. That’s IT. No school. Yessssss.
May 21, 2009
So, I have things to say, but I’m not always comfortable saying them on the blog. You just never know who is reading these things. And you just never know if the people reading these things will take what I say the right way. I’ve got things to talk about that I fear talking about in the blog-type setting. Like adoption. Like job stuff, career stuff, direction of life stuff. Like stuff about my niece. I wouldn’t want people sharing stuff about my kids on their blogs, and so I must respect the privacy of others. I don’t like the blog restrictions, because really I am not a private person and authenticity is one of my strongest values…I’d love to tell you everything I’m thinking about something and everything that’s going on, but I have learned my lessons through the years on various blogs, and I’m just not going to go there. So, what am I left with if I am choosing the semi-authentic path? Hmmmm…well, maybe I can talk around the edges of things a little bit.
If I could only talk around the edges of the adoption issue I would say that I read somewhere the other day that adoption can be so difficult because – yes – it is exciting and it does mean the start of a family, but it also signifies the end of a dream, or a plan, or whatever you want to call the expectation that you will start trying to have kids and then get pregnant and go on your merry way. Of course, this isn’t true for everyone who is adopting, but I have found truth in that statement. For us, getting pregnant is not a definite “no”…there is still the possibility that I could become pregnant because there is no good reason why after 6 years of trying I have not. So, I am somewhat messed up about it all – hoping to get pregnant but also trying to be 100% in the adoption game. It’s messing with me. It messes with me on a monthly basis. I try to “be strong” about it but some days I just have to cry. I know, I know – suck it up. I’m trying…slowly, I think that is happening. And I do know that in the end, all will be well.
If I had to talk around the edges of career things, I would say – I have 2 degrees and it’s frustrating that I can’t figure out what to do with them. They would work together very well, but I have no idea how to figure crap out and make a plan, or if that’s even appropriate at this point in life. I could start by taking small steps towards something. Now would somebody please give me detailed instructions on what those small steps might be? Just email them to me…that’d be great.
If I could only talk around the edges of my life with a niece, I would say that she’s so cute to me. I don’t like babies, but she is so cute and I honestly just want to go and see her every day even if all she does is sleep.
There. That covers some edges. You have a bit of the crust…you can throw it away if you want. If you want to continue a dialogue on some of these or other topics, let’s go for coffee, or send me an email…I don’t do the phone 
May 19, 2009
Coming back to work after a long weekend is usually tricky. I’m feeling g-r-u-m-p-y about this today. I’m sure the grey cold weather isn’t helping either. Weekend was busy. I’m painting Greg’s workplace, which will take me the rest of my life I’m pretty sure – what was I thinking? It’s desperation to make money for the kid fund, that’s all. AAARG. I need one of those free babies that almost everyone else seems to pump out 
So, as a result of the 3 day stretch of painting, my eyes are all bloodshot and scritchy (I look gooood) and my arm feels like it’s going to fall right off. OH WELL…just keep going. What are the options? Got to see little Gracie (niece’s name is Grace Elizabeth Anne…I’m not sure I knew that last time I blogged) a little bit every day. They’re home from the hospital now, which is good and bad. Everyone is doing overall pretty good though. I have never been a baby person. Ever. But now I just want to go see Grace, maybe because she’s connected to me and will be a part of my life. I also want to help out around there as much as possible without being in the way. A hard line to figure out. Anyway, guess I’d better get my grumpy butt to work or something. Or maybe I’ll just sit here and stare for a while instead. Ya, I think that’s what I’ll do.
May 15, 2009
Little blogging has been happening lately. First of all, our internet at home has not been working for days. Second, work has been hairy only because in the last couple of days I’ve taken an hour here, an hour there, off so stuff is piling up and that means not much time for blogging. (Ya, I know, who would ever blog at work anyway.) Third, my brain is fried because I’ve had little sleep and too much excitement or something. Fourth – IT’S A GIRRRRRRLLL!!!!!! My brother and his wife had their baby yesterday morning around 1:30a.m. What an ordeal! It took forever and finally had to be a c-section, but everyone is very healthy and doing good so far. Baby (no name yet) was 1 month early and weighed 8 lbs 14 oz. WHAT?! Something is definitely fishy about that! Whatever…she’s out of the oven and so perfect. So much dark hair it’s crazy! So, very exciting time right now. I’m an auntie for the first time which is very cool. The last few days have been huge perspective days…as in, during days like this many things that feel important during most of life completely drop away and barely make the list. Like having new bedroom furniture. Or like freaking out about what I’m gonna look like in a bathing suit this summer. So many things, clearly not important. Perspective days are good to have – for the most part – because sometimes then I get into thinking that evvvvverything is meaningless except for the big huge life things and that’s not true either.
Anyway, I’m still kicking around, and there’s another little life that has been added to the family!! I’m so pumped!
May 12, 2009
I’m just sitting here watching the street sweepers clean the street and find myself somewhat bewildered. Bewildered because there is probably more water being used to clean the street than some African villages would use for all purposes put together (including survival) in probably quite a long time. The water being used on the street could probably save the lives of a number of people. Add the water used to clean THIS street to the water that is used to clean all of the streets in Saskatoon, or Saskatchewan, or Canada, and you get a whole lot of water that is being used to clean streets instead of save lives. This is very very weird to me. There is no reconciling it. What a messed up world. So what do we do about this? I have no clue.
May 8, 2009
This is seriously disturbing. I can’t get it out of my mind. So it might as well be in your mind too. Sausage is packed into intestines, people. Which means when you’re eating sausage you’re eating intestines. Basically, it’s like being on Survivor and getting to the immunity challenge where you have to eat a bunch of weird and foreign things that nobody should actually ever eat. I’ve got questions about this people. Like, where do you buy empty intestines to put the meat into anyway? And are they like super ultra cleaned somehow, or…what. I reeeeeally like sausage, but if I can’t get this out of my mind it could be over for me…Sometimes it helps to write out what you’re stressed about. Maybe this will heal me.
As you can tell, I’m kind of just coasting for the rest of the day, and these are the things that come to my mind. Come on 5:00…quick, before some other traumatizing thoughts come to mind.
May 8, 2009
Hmmmmm. I’m having another one of those days where it feels like “everything” is “always” against me Perhaps I’m feeling somewhat sorry for myself again. ARG. There is no reasoning with these feelings some days…must…not…give…in! Also feeling very impatient. This is a problem. Must…not…give…in… I read somewhere some things that dying people wrote about life, and I remember that one of them said that all through life we are just waiting for things, and we might as well get used to it. When the thing that we are waiting for comes to us, there will only be something else that we then have to wait for and be impatient about. I recognize the truth in that…it’s just not translating into patience. I feel like choking some people right now. I feel like choking the systems that some people are a part of that makes them slow and that make me wait. I guess, if I force myself to see some positive thing in this, it is ok to be waiting impatiently for something, because that means that something good (or something that at this point I think is good) is ahead of me. That’s what I would say if I was held at gunpoint and forced to find something positive in it all. Otherwise, I’d rather just grumble about it.
May 7, 2009
Aw man…here’s one of the reasons I can’t stand borrowing books from the library. I don’t get them done in time and sometimes I can’t renew them because other people have requested them. RATS. So, have not finished the ones I am reading…they must be returned. What if I don’t WANT to return them. Grrrrr.
I got a huge rock in my windshield on my way to work this morning. Grrrrr.
Plans for the long weekend fell through. Grrrrr.
Just found out the adoption paperwork will take another 3 weeks to be translated. Grrrr.
I’m not having a great day so far people. I need to go do some deep breathing now.
