July 28, 2009

This is one of those weeks where I frequently leave the house and then panic 5 minutes later because I feel like I forgot to put pants on.  I’m not making this stuff up…it really happens.  And when life is chaotic or the neurons in my brain aren’t firing properly, the oh-no-I-forgot-my-pants feeling occurs quite often.  I’m sure you know what I’m talking about <nervous laugh> 

Well, the house is almost 100% empty.  All that’s left is a few random things to go to the basement where we’re staying, the dryer (which is surprisingly hard to give away…I think we’ll have to take it to the metal place to get crushed), and our bed.  Oh, and our poor old dog, who doesn’t know what the heck is going on in her life.  That reminds me – I have learned something about anxiety from my dog this week.  I’m pretty sure I’ve learned this before, but obviously forgot and had to learn it again.  I keep saying to her “Don’t worry, everything is ok” but she keeps anxiously pacing around, walking about an inch behind me at all times, crying a lot…there is really no consoling her.  But I know her life will be ok and that there’s nothing for her to worry about.  She’s taken care of.  Period.  Maybe this is what Jesus kind of meant when he said be anxious for nothing.  Most days that statement just doesn’t make sense to me.  How can I possibly be anxious about nothing?  But maybe Jesus meant something more like what I mean when I tell my dog to not worry.  As in, seriously, all this worrying you’re doing is only making your life worse, it’s completely unnecessary, and I’m telling you – I’ve got you covered.  It’s going to be ok.  <deep breath>  So I’m trying to not be so anxious.  I’m trying to take it down a notch.  That’s what my brain is doing, but my body isn’t on the same page.  It still thinks it needs to act anxious.  Shallow breaths, not much sleep, heart racing, tense muscles, sensitive ears.  How do I make the body follow the mind?  I guess it will happen eventually… … …  Anyway, feeling a bit off, shall we say.  But trying to stop panicking about no pants…

July 27, 2009

Ok, so this blog isn’t getting updated very often…I know, I know.  It’s annoying when people have blogs but only post one time a year.  I’ve realized that I need an outlet for my thoughts sometimes but not all the time.  And that’s where I get stuck and feel like quitting altogether when I go through a major dry phase in my blog thoughts.  But I know that if I quit a day will come when I think CRAP why did I quit that blog…now I have to start another one.  Right now it seems like all I have to say on here is – I hate moving, I’m sick of hospitals, and life is really weird.  So here’s your daily dose of the same old thing:

I hate moving.  I love change.  I hate the complete and total CHAOS that results from a move.  And at this point I feel like I have no home, nowhere to just relax and be peaceful.  I know – I’ll survive.  I just don’t like it.  Right now the current house is out of control, and I have no where to go where I will have my own peaceful space for over a month.  People live in back alleys, so I’m 99% sure I’ll be ok in the cement basement.  It’s just not my first choice, being the spoiled white girl that I am.  My spine feels like it’s going to crumble apart because of all the boxes that have been lifted.  I’ve had a lot of crackers and canned tuna to eat because we have no appliances.  I would definitely not do well if forced to go completely green and not have my creature comforts.  At least there’s still the hot shower.

I do still hate hospitals, but at the current time no one in my life is in one.  Thank goodness.  They let dad out Saturday afternoon with strict orders not to do anything or go anywhere.  Apparently he had a collapsed lung and fluid around the other one, and pneumonia in both.  I need to google this stuff…don’t know much about the lungs or why one would collapse.  I guess his body is just kind of messed up from the whole heart thing.  Speaking of which, his heart is enlarged right now (gotta google that one too), apparently from all of the stress his body has been under.  Seems like a ticking time bomb.  :/

Aaaand life is, indeed, weird.  I can’t shake the feeling that this life is all just a diorama…it’s not real, it’s just props.  Nothing that I see is real.  It’s not what matters.  There are obviously still things going on in this life that matter, and will matter forever, but the things I see are nothing.  Most of what I spend my time doing (i.e. moving) or planning (i.e. blinds for new house) or thinking about (i.e. how to do dirt control at the new house, which is in the middle of a big pile of dirt) – it’s all of no importance.  Must…focus…on…what…matters.  My attention has GOT to stop being funneled into the temporal.

July 24, 2009

I’m alive people.  In fact, everyone in my world is still alive.  I ended up going to Swift Current on Tuesday and got back yesterday.  Dad wasn’t doing so hot, they couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  Turns out it’s pneumonia.  They figured that out on Wednesday (I think?) and after the antibiotics were started it made a huge difference.  As in, when we got there he looked totally gray and NOT GOOD.  Pulse was like 30 at night.  Freaky.  But he’s on the mend again and they moved him from ICU to a regular ward yesterday, so that is always good news.  He also had started bitching about things in the hospital and that’s definitely a good sign that he’s feeling better.  He’ll probably get out of the hospital in another day or something like that.  WOW too much time in hospitals for him.  His veins are so screwed up from all of the needles and IV’s that they can barely get anything going on for him anymore.  Bad summer for dad.

So, I no longer have a phobia of hospitals.  I no longer experience nausea the second I walk into them.  So this is a good thing I guess.  I’m good to go people – if you need me to visit you in the hospital I’m THERE. 

Am expecting to take another hit due to the most recent hospital/father stress.  That is such a drain on the energy, and I didn’t have any to begin with.  I can’t believe how weird life is when all you’re doing is waiting for someone to get better in the hospital, visiting hospital, waiting for diagnosis, waiting waiting waiting.

Alright…must get a bit of work done here.  I have all kinds of things to do today.  So much work that I don’t know where to start.  I LOVE THAT.

July 20, 2009

I am aging at the speed of a dog lately, I’m pretty sure of it.  7 years older for every year lived.  My dad is in the hospital again…doesn’t seem to be heart related.  They’re not sure what is going on…something with the bowel I guess.  Or gall bladder.  I’m pretty sure that in any other hospital they would have a diagnosis, but not in Swift Current.  And it provides no comfort that the doctor he got stuck with again is the doctor that sent him home after the first heart attack with nothing other than something that’s the same as Advil.  I’m tired of waiting for mom to call to tell me what’s going on.  The waiting is a killer.  Right, Jesus says be anxious for nothing….no problem Jesus.  I’ll get right on that.  Anyway, next time you see me I’m sure I’ll look 7 years older.

July 16, 2009

Well, isn’t this interesting.  It’s almost the end of the day and I’m feeling a bit more normal.  I never feel normal at the end of a workday.  Ever.  WHAT A RELIEF.  I don’t know what is going on, nothing is different, but I’ll take it.  Even if it only lasts 5 minutes I’ll take it.  I don’t even feel like biting anyone’s head off!  Just thought I’d mention it just in case anyone threw a prayer up for me earlier today…it may have worked.  If it wasn’t that, I don’t know what it was.  Maybe the dill pickle chips I ate? 

Ok, in the near future I hope to post something more interesting than how miserable I feel!

More of the same July 16, 2009

Nothing new to say people.  More of the same.  Feeling miserable.  Just don’t feel like myself and can’t figure out why.  I keep thinking, ok, just get through today and tomorrow maybe you’ll feel “normal.”  And tomorrow comes and I still don’t feel normal.  So what if this is me now?  <gulp>  What if somehow along the way in the last year I’ve just ended up being this miserable person?  Again, I say to God, is this really all I have to work with?  I don’t even really remember what I was like before and what I’m waiting for to return.  Hmmmmm.  Maybe we just make it impossible for ourselves to be content by thinking we need to be something other than what we are and constantly waiting to be what we’re not.  So, how do you people convince yourself into being in a good mood when you’re totally not?  Or how do you not choke a bunch of people when that’s all you feel like doing over and over during a day?  Need patience…anyone have some to spare?

July 14, 2009

I forgot to mention…the conditions were met by the buyers of our house on Friday.  This came to be after hours of stressing about it because we heard nothing all day until about 8:00pm at which point we tracked the buyers down ourselves (realtor did nothing…it was sweet).  So theoretically everything will go as planned.  Meaning, we move out by the 31st, move into a friend’s unfinished cement basement for a month (I’m not complaining because it’s great to have a place to stay and it’s better than a cardboard box…I’m just a spoiled Canadian and don’t prefer to live in unfinished basements), and then August 28th we get the keys for the house we bought.  I’m still a bit traumatized by the whole thing and therefore have not felt much excitement about any of it.

We found someone to buy our fridge and stove so that’s good.  They will be gone as of next Tuesday so we need to figure out how to live without a fridge and stove.  Again, not the end of the world.  I’m just a spoiled Canadian who is used to living with a fridge and stove.  Worst case scenario is that we eat McDonalds for a couple weeks.  There’s always the bbq in the summer which is great.  Still need to sell our microwave.  It’s pretty new, stainless steel, probably $50.  Any takers?  I’m tired of selling stuff, and am about to get very tired of buying stuff!  Boo hoo…I know…I don’t expect your sympathy

July 13, 2009

Philippians 4
¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Mmmmk, so I’m not very good at this.  I could learn some things from Paul.  Must learn how to be content regardless of the circumstances.  That sounds kinda far-fetched to me.  So Paul’s secret is apparently Jesus.  Hmmm….  It would seem that I have learned that I’m content in no circumstance, and if I’m honest with myself, I know that I would not be content in the circumstance that I keep telling myself I need in order to be content.  Married or single, homeless or giant perfect home, kids or no kids, lots of money or no money – I have a feeling that none of these conditions of living will lead to being content.  That needs to come from inside of me.  Crap.  How do I create a condition within my being – this dark, miserable, cynical being – that leads to contentedness.  The easy answer is – God does that, not me.  Jesus does that.  Ok, fine.  But I need to do what I can to allow that to happen.  So what can I do…what should I be doing?

Small steps.  Deep breaths.  Relax the clenched fists.  No more white knuckles.  Read Bible.  Pray.  Re-lax.

Hmmmm sounds fine in theory.  I’ll get back to you on how it works in real life.

Feels more like home July 9, 2009

A very delightful thing in life right now is the freedom to have a messy house I can leave papers on the table people!  We haven’t had to keep it all neat and tidy and looking it’s best for the last week and has it ever been NICE. I love a clean house, I do, but I also love not cleaning my house and mowing my lawn every day, and I especially love not having strangers wandering through it on a regular basis. Ah, freedom. Tomorrow is the date where the conditions are supposed to be met on that sale, so we’ll see if it actually happens. At this point, our expectations for things going according to plan are very low. I read a title of a book lately…I think it’s We Plan, God Laughs. I gotta get that book. I think we’ve been giving God some good laughs lately.

July 7, 2009

Well, I’m still slogging along, just like most everyone.  The last 2 mornings I’ve slept right until my alarm clock went off and pressed snooze 2 times…could’ve slept for hours.  This tells me that my body is no longer being driven by anxiety and stress, because when that is the case I’m awake hours before my alarm clock goes off, and getting out of bed is not a problem at all.  So, I guess it’s good for my body to have a break from stress and anxiety.  However, now all I think about from the second I wake up is how much I want it to be bedtime.  There is no pleasing me.

Anxiety is a weird word.  It should be spelled angziety.  Maybe I’ll look into getting that changed, since I’m such an expert on the topic.

In other news, my dog Grammie got into a major brawl with a cat last night.  It was pretty funny…everyone came out unscathed except for me.  I got a few scratches from the cat on my leg…no big deal.  The cat and dog were like rolling around on the carpet and wrestling.  It was definitely the most entertaining part of my day.

Another highlight was going to see my niece Grace.  She’s so nice to just look at.  I generally am not a “baby person” but this one has definitely captured my attention.