So, I HAVE A HOME PEOPLE! What a relief. I haven’t been there for more than 1/2 hour so far, and that was basically just to get the keys, but it has already changed my whole perspective. As in, after work today I get to go home, to my house. I’m not going to someone else’s house and walking down their stairs to sit in a basement. And there will be a predictable number of people in my house, and they will all be people that I know (well, except for the telephone guy but that’s ok). All I will have in my house is a bed and a couple of boxes, but whatevs! The rest of the stuff should be in by tomorrow night, at which point I’ll be wandering around aimlessly due to being completely overwhelmed, but this too is ok. Making decisions and organizing stuff is NOT my forte people, and when you’re not good at organizing AND have a whole entire house to unpack, things can go sideways really quickly. But again I say whatevs. This right here is probably the best day of my summer. Yessssss. Grammie the dog will also be pumped because along with everyone else, she has been wondering what the hell is going on. So, hopefully we’ve got some form of sanity just around the corner!
August 27, 2009
Uuuuugh. We’re almost there. Almost have a home again. One…more…sleep… It feels like it’s not happening, like it will never happen and I’ll have to live with random people in their basements forever. It’s weird how things can feel like they’re never going to end. And in my cup-is-1/2-empty world, this tends to take away from any excitement about something that will happen soon. Must figure this out. So far, I just try not to think about it because I feel like then I’ll let my guard down as I try and deal with the current crappy reality. Hopefully that makes sense to no one, because it seems kind of messed up. 
Now, someone else I know is like bouncing off the walls with excitement. We’re seriously at the 2 extremes and it can be funny at times as we attempt to navigate it all. For instance, I called him yesterday at noon as I drove by the house ONLY to say – hey they put some extra dirt in the yard! And he proceeded to talk literally non-stop about random things about the house until I finally just said “ok bye.” Unbelievable. I’m glad he’s pumped though. I really am. (But could someone else just keep him for a while and bring him back when he’s stable?)
Anyway, one thing I’m glad about is that the house is done and we’re not stranded in a basement for any extra time. This is also extra sweet because it turns out that when you buy a new house, there’s a “thing” that people say. They say ooooh when’s the possession date? And you tell them. And then they say ya right like that’s gonna happen…I had a friend who had to wait 2 extra months to get in because blah blah blah. And then you say no, actually this builder has never missed a possession date – that’s one of their things. And then they say oh ok, we’ll see, and give you look that makes you want to punch them in the throat. So this is extra sweet.
August 25, 2009
Ok, so here’s a note to self that you can all make as a result of what I’m learning. Do not ever, under any circumstances do the following all at the same time: sell a house, buy a house, adopt a kid, apply for life insurance. Unless you love paperwork and appointments. Seriously, I’m so sick of paperwork and appointments. And the icing on the cake is that good customer service seems to be extinct. It’s unreal how many people we’re babysitting right now who are supposed to know better than us what’s going on. grr. It would be GREAT if you could just trust people to do their jobs. Just fantastic. ANYWAY…clearly feeling a little edgy and had to rant a little. The conversations I’m having in my head with these people are much more entertaining, yet unfortunately inappropriate for a blog.
So, getting to my point…I’ve been having some neck tension (go figure). Like can’t-turn-my-head kind of neck tension. I’ve been feeling really funny and dizzy and stuff and I think it’s just the neck. Anyhoo, FINALLY last night I found a bit of relief. Thank goodness for good massage therapists. But as good as that massage was for my body, it was also a bit of a stressful hour…I never really realized before that one of the most stressful sounds in the world to me is someone putting on a pair of rubber gloves. I know – just exactly what kind of massage was I getting? Well, it was a normal back/neck massage, until she started digging around my jaw a bit. She mumbled something that I couldn’t understand and all of a sudden she was pulling something out of the closet and before I knew it *SNAP* on went the rubber gloves. I started sweating immediately. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it might be. Turns out there’s some weird muscle in the back of your mouth (you know, at the back of your teeth RIGHT beside the spot where if you touch it you almost barf instantly) that can cause neck pain if it’s too tight. WEEEEEIRD. I can’t say getting that muscle worked on is any amount of fun, yet I can withstand a lot of discomfort if I know that in the end it will help me. Anyway, feeling a bit of relief as a result of the treatment, and at the same time feeling like this freaky rubber glove sound is something that could be useful in the future…
August 21, 2009
Hi. I’m still kicking around. I’m still without home. I’m stil losing it. But I’m still kicking around. I have had moments this week – actually I’ve had HOURS this week – of feeling ok, like it’s going to be ok, like it will end, like 7 more days isn’t actually that bad, like there is hope and life at the end of the tunnel. And then there are the other moments where I feel like this will NEVER end, like it’s the worst thing possible, blah blah. Isn’t it funny how this feels SO bad but yet things can always get SO MUCH WORSE? (yes, the glass is always 1/2 empty) Anyway, another week scratched off the calendar. Some people are thinking that August is going by way too fast and are dreading September (i.e. some of my teacher friends). For me, September cannot come soon enough! But one thing I know for sure is that time is our enemy, and it will always feel either too slow or too fast.
So, nothing much to say. My brain isn’t working right now. I don’t think my neurons are firing properly…
August 19, 2009
Noticed that Coop had the results from his test up on his blog so I followed suit and gave the test a shot. 100% introverted? Yikes. Also, not sure I see being a “dreamer” as being a good thing. Weird. I liked this test because it gives you some percentages, which shows that we’re generally not ALL one thing (ok, unless you’re me who is 0% extroverted), and that there’s flexibility in the categories so it doesn’t put you in a total box. Interesting. Take it and email me your results. DO IT. I love reading about people’s personalities.
August 18, 2009
Ok I am coming to the point where I need to just recommend that if you’re interested in such topics you should really get a copy of The Tangible Kingdom. It’s still really good. I’m only on like page 50 or something, but it’s good. It’s more about the church than I thought it would be, but still good 
I read a teeny bit today and it was about the pre-institutional church, what they valued and didn’t value, who they tried to be and didn’t try to be. They were on the fringes of society, a marginalized group. And they were certainly not trying to become more like culture or move to the center of society. As the author puts it in one place, “We might have considered them a tad bit overboard and unrealistic. In much the same way as some might view the Salvation Army, we’d be glad they were around because they help people and seem to tackle the toughest of social ills, but I doubt we’d quickly sign up for membership.” Yet they had influence in their culture. They didn’t hide their values or make them easier, dress them up or down or make them funky. They showed culture something different. 3 of the values the authors mention specifically are sacrificial community, confrontation, and inclusive community. And then Constantine got his fingers in it all, mixed church and state and blah blah…what resulted was that church was somewhere you went instead of something you belonged to. Innnnnnnnnnnnteresting. Go get a copy and read it for yourself. Do it. You can borrow mine when I’m done if you want. We can mail it around from person to person until everyone gets a read.
August 17, 2009
A prayer I read this morning from John Baillie’s Diary of Private Prayer, in updated language…
O eternal God, though you are not someone I can see with my eyes or touch with my hands, nonetheless give me today a clear conviction of your reality and power. Don’t let me go out to my work believing only in the world of sense and time, but give me grace to understand that the world I cannot see or touch is the most real world of all. My life today will be lived in time, but eternal issues will be woven into it. The needs of my body will cry out, but it is for the needs of the soul that I care most. My work will be with material things, but behind them let me be aware of things spiritual. Let me keep clearly in mind that the things that matter are not money or possessions, not houses or lands, not bodily comfort or bodily pleasure; but truth and honor and meekness and helpfulness and a pure love of yourself.
For the power you have given me to lay hold of things unseen;
For the strong sense I have that this is not my home;
For my restless heart which nothing finite can satisfy:
I give you thanks, O God.For the invasion of my soul by your Holy Spirit;
For all human love and goodness that speak to me of you;
For the fullness of your glory outpoured in Jesus Christ:
I give you thanks, O God.I, a pilgrim of eternity, stand before you, O eternal One. Let me not seek to deaden or destroy the desire for you that disturbs my heart. Let me rather yield myself to its constraint and go where it leads me. Make me wise to see all things today in the light of eternity, and make me brave to face all the changes in my life which such a vision may entail: through the grace of Christ my Savior. Amen.
A good prayer for me to pray today. I’m generally getting totally worked over by my bodily needs, my lack of an earthly home, all things that are completely temporal. Ugh…
August 13, 2009
Ok, this is good…it’s a quote from the same book I quoted from yesterday – The Tangible Kingdom: Creating Incarnational Community. I actually feel like the authors are going to get somewhere in this book that is different than what I’ve read a million times, which I’m excited about…anyway, to the quote:
As I once heard, “Doing church differently is like rearranging chairs on the Titanic.” We must realize that slight tweaks, new music, creative lighting, wearing hula shirts, shorts, and flip-flops won’t make doing church more attractive. Church must not be the goal of the gospel anymore. Church should not be the focus of our efforts or the banner we hold up to explain what we’re about. Church should be what ends up happening as a natural response to people wanting to follow us, be with us, and be like us as we are following the way of Christ.
Amen brothers. Sometimes church seems like nothing more than a distraction. Sometimes, not all the time. Sometimes it seems like we make church the point. I like how the authors of the book say that it should be a natural result of following Christ…innnnnnnnteresting.
The authors later say:
Whereas some would say we need to move past our existing church forms, we disagree. We just need to see them as they are, accpet their weakness and their strengths, and find ways to help them contribute. It is true that to try to saddle up the horses and head in bold new directions as a group may be too aggressive and unsettling to the good that is being done within these more traditional church structures.
I like where they’re going here, because clearly we can’t just do away with the current form of church and do something completely different that will actually last. The statements might sound somewhat passive, but I am interested in what their suggestions are going to be…
August 12, 2009
I recently started reading a book called The Tangible Kingdom: Creating Incarnational Community. I’m only into the third chapter so far, but I’ve already come across several things that I certainly resonate with. I’m not sure where they are going with it all, but I’m enjoying the start of the journey. Here’s something that I read today:
Identity represents who we say we are, and it is important in determining how we act. When you’re proud of your team, your company, your family, you’ll act proud, and you’ll get off your fanny and work hard to increase the prominence of your group. But if you’re ashamed or unimpressed with your team, you’ll often not engage at all, simply because you don’t want to be lumped in with something or someone that doesn’t represent who you really want to be or what you value or believe in.
Uh huh. I totally agree. And it’s nice that someone gave me those words for it. For quite a while I have been hesitant to admit to being a Christian. Am I ashamed of the gospel? Of course not. Am I ashamed about God? No way. Jesus? Nope. Church? Not even necessarily church. I am embarrassed to be lumped together with the group of people who identify themselves as Christians. And so I pretty much keep my trap shut about such things. To a fault. But I do not want to be lumped together with “those people” who do not represent me or what I believe in. It’s easier to avoid the question altogether than to try and explain where I stand and why. When I don’t even know that sometimes.
This reminds me of a conversation that I had this week with a friend who I had assumed was completely anti-God. Turns out she is completely open to God. And even some churches. But just not churches like mine. Oh, I get it. I found her perspective very interesting…she’s been to my church a few times, so I asked her what her take on it is, and she said “Well, it seems like one big group counselling session. I go to church to find God and religion, not for group counselling.” That was really interesting to me. I can definitely see her point. So I agreed to help her do some church shopping. Am looking forward to it.
August 11, 2009
I had a really really good morning today people. It was like a bright sunny patch in the middle of all the fog. Ah, WHAT A RELIEF. I am still experiencing a general sense of relief, that maybe everything is going to be ok after all, that maybe it is possible that some of the things I hope for – things I want (or rather, things I think I want) – can actually become reality. I do know that in the end, all will be well whether or not I get what I hope for, whether or not I get some of the things that I (perhaps foolishly) believe will bring satisfaction. But some days it feels like the only place where I’m going to experience joy will be in the everafter. Kind of a bleak way to look at life I guess, but some days that’s what it boils down to. Today, however, I have hope. Due to my pessimistic nature, I ”know” that there is more frustration just around the corner. But today, I will allow myself to celebrate the small advances just a little bit.
