November 17, 2009

Disclaimer: The following are just thoughts.  This is not some passive aggressive way of telling anyone I am mad or disappointed in them.  I am not asking for help or attention.  They’re just thoughts people.

What I’ve been thinking lately is that it’s a fricking wonder that any of us can support each other at all.  It would appear that we are all (or almost all of us anyway) fighting difficult battles.  One of the challenges is to not be self-centered when our troubles are eating us alive.  Sometimes it seems like everyone in our life is being bent over by their challenges at the same time, and we are left to fend for ourselves because there’s no way that these poor souls have anything left to give to us.

Another challenge is that often the very things that we are struggling with are the things that others wish they had, the things that they think might bring them happiness.  Or the things that are the very opposite of what our friends might be going through.  How can we be supportive in these situations?  Grace.  Love.  Patience.  Kindness.  Or will we let jealousy and resentment rule.  One person wants a job so bad because being at home is killing them, the next wants to quit and be at home.  One person wants nothing more than to find a spouse, the other wants to walk away from marriage and be single.  One person believes that they need to downsize, buy a smaller house, get rid of stuff; the other has been wishing for a bigger house because they’re cramped where they are; the other is about to lose their house.  One person is weary from pregnancy or babies and can see some clear benefits of adoption; the other is adopting yet wishes for a birth child; and there still might be another who has kids and wishes for NONE (no one has admitted this to me yet, but I seriously think it’s a possibility).  One person has a high stress high pressure job and just can’t take it, the other has a zero pressure zero stress job and just can’t take it.  One person cannot be happy before they lose weight, the other is underweight to an unhealthy degree and can’t gain a pound no matter how hard they try.  Need I continue?

It’s a wonder we all don’t just go and buy big guns and hunt each other down.  Or buy poison and slowly kill each other off.  Yet somehow grace and forgiveness and love win out over envy and jealousy and resentment.  Not every time, but most times.  I think that’s evidence of God.  I think there is also a place for recognizing that no one’s life is easy, that that’s not the point or the goal, that nothing that we get or change will take away the dull (and sometimes not so dull) ache that I think is telling us this is not our home.  Nothing of this world can satisfy.

October 27, 2009

I’ve slowly been reading the book What to Expect When You’re Adopting by Ian Palmer.  I came across the book as I was checking out some titles that I have thought about using for a book, and this was one of the possibilities.  When I saw that it already existed I was outraged, and then I bought the book to see what my competition would be like   (I’m kidding, I welcome every book written on the subject and appreciate the contribution that each of them makes.)  I’m only about 1/2 way through this book, and unfortunately have not really “connected” with the information provided.  For starters, it’s all based on adoption in England.  The process is quite different if you’re in Canada, and then in Saskatchewan, so the particulars of the process in England are of little interest to me.  I have also come across a few statements like this:

You have to be 100 percent certain that this is the right course of action for you, and those close to you.  Dig deep, search your head and heart before committing to adoption; the consequences of getting it wrong are potentially devastating to all involved.

No pressure!  And later:

There is no room for doubt.

SERIOUSLY?  And then:

Accepting infertility involves a process of grief and mourning.  Your adoption agency will want to know where you are in this process as it is important that you have grieved properly.

No offense intended, but this is almost laughable (when I get past the rage that it induces).  The idea that you know where you are at in your grief seems impossible, and even more absurd is the idea of “grieving properly.”  Give me a break!  Also false (in my mind) is the implication that grief will end, and that it should end before you move forward.  I strongly disagree with that.  I don’t think grief of any kind ever ends, but rather it changes.  It will always be there but in different forms, in different ways.  Whether the grief is related to infertility or death or whatever other kind of loss, the idea that you grieve and then get on with it is not something that I can accept.  Ah, if only it were true.

And the idea that there is no room for doubt immediately takes me out of the game.  NO room for doubt?  Do parents who are having a birth child not doubt what they are doing?  How can you possibly not have doubts when the process of adoption is such an uphill battle?  Seriously.  Maybe I’m just overreacting here but these ideas are not ones that I can get on board with.

Ideally before, but certainly during, the assessment it will be important to know that you are settled in your own mind and have accepted you will be unable to have children.  You will need to be comfortable with the changes this will have created in relation to your self-image – as well as issues relating to masculinity and femininity, potency and impotency – and be at peace with their social implications.

Again, I’m finding a lot of assumptions in this paragraph.  The assumption that the people reading the book know that they will not have children.  (If you’re dealing with unexplained fertility you cannot accept that you are unable to have children because you don’t know that.)  And again, the idea that people will accept this and be “comfortable” with it seems far-fetched.  And seriously, I have never before reading this paragraph even thought that I am less of a woman because of this, less feminine, but now I have something else to add to the pile.

That being said, I have also found truth in the book, and small nuggets of helpful information.  For example, the author talks briefly about the reasons people adopt, the reasons people have kids at all.  He discusses the cultural pressures to have children and that was interesting to me.  There are good reminders that people can live fulfilling and valuable lives if they never have children.  He talks about how intrusive the process of adoption is and the scrutiny involved, and how it so strongly goes against the value of privacy that we have in our culture.  So, I will take the good with me and leave the stuff behind that is not so helpful.

I feel like I need to finish with a disclaimer.  I understand that pregnancy and giving birth to a child are not at all easy.  I don’t really see it as either one of them being worse than the other.  It seems to come down to the fact that in general, getting kids is hard.  And I’m sure raising them is even more difficult than getting them!  (So why do people do this again?)  The major problems for me occur when people say things like “You’re so lucky you’re adopting, you don’t have to gain all this pregnancy weight” or “Be glad you don’t have to spend money on diapers for the first year of your child’s life.”  Things like that are problematic for me.  I sincerely recognize and appreciate the difficulties in all of these things, but no, I am not glad, and I do not feel lucky.

October 20, 2009

I’ve been complaining a lot lately.  I live in a mud pit.  My house is filthy.  I’m working too much.  My car is dead.  My uterus is hostile.  blah blah blah.  It’s getting even harder to complain these days, which is really too bad   Ya, I live in a mud pit and my house is therefore full of dirt, but I have a home.  I’m working too much but this means I can do things like adopt children, have a new home, pay my bills, maybe buy LAWN in the spring.  My uterus is hostile, but this means that I will be able to experience adoption (still have some convincing of self to do about how good this would be…I think I’m getting there.).  My car is dead, but we have 2 vehicles and therefore I’m not totally screwed.  AND Greg doesn’t need his vehicle this week so really, the timing is perfect.  So, WHATEVER.  The things that I have to complain about are really no big deal.  Yet in my world they can still be stressful.  I try and let myself off the hook by saying it’s all relative…people find different things stressful and that’s ok.  But it’s not really working.  Especially not now as I see homeless people wandering around every day while I’m at work, digging through the dumpster because that’s the best option and living out of a shopping cart.  I’m pretty sure I’d rather have MY stresses than their’s.  Hmmmmmmm.  Makes sense to my brain but it doesn’t always play out that way.  I hear gratitude is a solution to a lot of things.  Maybe I need to try that more.  The other ridiculous thing I do from time to time is forget that everyone is fighting their own difficult battle.  As in, when I’m having a rough time it usually seems to appear to be the case that no one else is.  And then I feel even more alone, because ’tis true that misery loves company.  The truth is – everyone is having a hard time.  Well, ok, almost everyone.  I’m not sure why I convince myself that everyone else’s life is awesome.  And I’m not sure why it would make me feel worse about my life if everyone else’s life was in fact awesome.  Deep down it is truly my wish that the lives of people I love are awesome and without struggles.  <sigh>  Some days I feel extra crazy

September 10, 2009

There is much going on in life, and yet nothing going on in life.  There seems to be much going on in the lives of those I love dearly and so my thoughts and – if you can believe it, my prayers – are occupied with that.  None of which is bloggable blogable bloggable. (hard to know how to spell non-words)  I’m just recognizing again how hard it is to accept help and generosity, for me and for others.  It’s like saying I’m weak, I can’t do this alone…WHICH IS TRUE.  We are weak, we cannot do this alone, and we need the help and generosity of others to get through.  But our culture and our pride and who knows what else gets in the way.  This culture that tells us we’re not good enough if we can’t do it on our own.  PLEASE.  So, for someone who wants to help and who wants to give, it is difficult when people don’t accept.  And it gets tiring trying to think of ways to do and give secretly so that people have no choice but to accept.  Growth comes from giving, and from receiving.  Community is stunted when we don’t receive.  A gift is taken away from the giver when what they are giving is refused.  I have a hard time receiving and so I know exactly how humiliating or shameful it can feel when you accept the help of others.  Sometimes it just feels plain awkward and weird.  Growth comes from weirdness people.  …  And oh, we would never ask for help or time or money or anything because we would never want to interfere with the lives of others or be an inconvenience, because we know people are busy blah blah…I can’t STAND these ideas people.  They get my blood a-boilin’.  I think that these ideas are damaging to community and to relationships and to ourselves.  I’m tired of believing the lies and not asking people for help (this is not some weird cry for help here…by the way).  I’m tired of people not asking me for help.  I’m tired of people refusing help even when what is being offered is exactly the thing that is needed.  I could go on and on and on here…bottom line?   Ask for resources.  And then accept them.  DO IT.  Ask for help.  And then receive it.  I, for one, have so much respect for people who #1 – can say I need help, and then #2 – can accept what is offered.  How can we possibly inch towards true community when the giving and the receiving are blocked.

August 12, 2009

I recently started reading a book called The Tangible Kingdom: Creating Incarnational Community.  I’m only into the third chapter so far, but I’ve already come across several things that I certainly resonate with.  I’m not sure where they are going with it all, but I’m enjoying the start of the journey.  Here’s something that I read today:

Identity represents who we say we are, and it is important in determining how we act.  When you’re proud of your team, your company, your family, you’ll act proud, and you’ll get off your fanny and work hard to increase the prominence of your group.  But if you’re ashamed or unimpressed with your team, you’ll often not engage at all, simply because you don’t want to be lumped in with something or someone that doesn’t represent who you really want to be or what you value or believe in.

Uh huh.  I totally agree.  And it’s nice that someone gave me those words for it.  For quite a while I have been hesitant to admit to being a Christian.  Am I ashamed of the gospel?  Of course not.  Am I ashamed about God?  No way.  Jesus?  Nope.  Church?  Not even necessarily church.  I am embarrassed to be lumped together with the group of people who identify themselves as Christians.  And so I pretty much keep my trap shut about such things.  To a fault.  But I do not want to be lumped together with “those people” who do not represent me or what I believe in.  It’s easier to avoid the question altogether than to try and explain where I stand and why.  When I don’t even know that sometimes.

This reminds me of a conversation that I had this week with a friend who I had assumed was completely anti-God.  Turns out she is completely open to God.  And even some churches.  But just not churches like mine.  Oh, I get it.  I found her perspective very interesting…she’s been to my church a few times, so I asked her what her take on it is, and she said “Well, it seems like one big group counselling session.  I go to church to find God and religion, not for group counselling.”  That was really interesting to me.  I can definitely see her point.  So I agreed to help her do some church shopping.  Am looking forward to it.

July 13, 2009

Philippians 4
¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

Mmmmk, so I’m not very good at this.  I could learn some things from Paul.  Must learn how to be content regardless of the circumstances.  That sounds kinda far-fetched to me.  So Paul’s secret is apparently Jesus.  Hmmm….  It would seem that I have learned that I’m content in no circumstance, and if I’m honest with myself, I know that I would not be content in the circumstance that I keep telling myself I need in order to be content.  Married or single, homeless or giant perfect home, kids or no kids, lots of money or no money – I have a feeling that none of these conditions of living will lead to being content.  That needs to come from inside of me.  Crap.  How do I create a condition within my being – this dark, miserable, cynical being – that leads to contentedness.  The easy answer is – God does that, not me.  Jesus does that.  Ok, fine.  But I need to do what I can to allow that to happen.  So what can I do…what should I be doing?

Small steps.  Deep breaths.  Relax the clenched fists.  No more white knuckles.  Read Bible.  Pray.  Re-lax.

Hmmmm sounds fine in theory.  I’ll get back to you on how it works in real life.

June 17, 2009

As part of trying to claw my way out of my misery, I have been forcing myself to try and focus on the positives, or at least the “neutrals”, instead of zeroing in on the negatives.  Just because I refuse to “play happy” it doesn’t mean I can allow myself to wallow in the mud.  The tendency is to ponder every aspect of the negatives because that is truly easier.  But I have found some positive things to think about today.  Here is a sample.

#1 – This morning when I walked into work my boss said “Hi sunshine” and I totally had to laugh to myself because he should have said “Hi dark stormy cloud.”  At least I’m fooling someone, and I wasn’t even trying very hard.

#2 – We have a little bit more to go on with my dad…they are calling what happened unstable angina.  I don’t know what that means and will proceed to learn a bit more, but it’s better than hearing the words “we don’t know” one more time.  My dad also got a blood pressure cuff so he can monitor his ridiculously high b.p. and therefore have an idea of whether or not there’s a reason to panic.  And we also learned that in the event of a heart attack, if you massage the area around the heart clockwise 100 times it can help.  This is on my list of positive things because it makes me giggle.  Nice advice.  Anyway, more tests will be done on dad in the near future.

#3 – Throughout this house thing we have had a great banker whose name is Fred.  Fred rocks.  Nothing on the banking end has been even near stressful, and that’s pretty amazing.

#4 – I’m learning how to keep my house in a pretty clean, presentable condition at all times.  This is clearly not rocket science, but it’s unfortunately not my forte.  It has been exhausting good.

#5 – They aren’t lying when they say Raid kills bugs dead.  This has been very pleasing in the last couple of days as I battle some spiders trying to take over my deck furniture.  This will be a battle that any onlooking spiders will be talking about.  It might even go down in spider history.

#6 – I tried a new place at lunch today – Rice Bowl Fusion on 33rd.  It was really good…I had the Thai Green Curry.  Tasty, spicy, and something different.

So there you have it.  Some of the positives that I have been making note of today…

June 5, 2009

Was just thinking about nothing in particular, but about relationships in general and what has been refreshing to me lately. I, like many of you, value my relationships greatly, which in my life translates into being uneasy when things are perhaps not as good as they could be or have been. But today I feel pretty positive about many relationships, and I am just trying to sit and appreciate the moment where there is no real “drama” going on – that I know of anyway! It has been refreshing to me lately to talk to people who I know are invested in my life and our relationship. It has been refreshing to know that there are people out there who know me so well that I don’t have to explain myself or choose my words wisely…I can let them fall out without editing them first, and it is all ok. It has been refreshing to me when people have made time for me and have not made it seem like it was an inconvenience in their busy lives. It has been refreshing to consider the possibilities of new relationships. So, right at this moment, I feel peaceful about relationships in general, and that makes it a good moment. Now I must work on being a good friend to the people I am blessed with in my life. This is no easy task sometimes…I know I let people down, people let me down, we’re all human and we can’t avoid these things. But if we allow ourselves and others to be honest and truthful, I think the rough patches can only lead to growth and strength.

May 21, 2009

So, I have things to say, but I’m not always comfortable saying them on the blog.  You just never know who is reading these things.  And you just never know if the people reading these things will take what I say the right way.  I’ve got things to talk about that I fear talking about in the blog-type setting.  Like adoption.  Like job stuff, career stuff, direction of life stuff.  Like stuff about my niece.  I wouldn’t want people sharing stuff about my kids on their blogs, and so I must respect the privacy of others.  I don’t like the blog restrictions, because really I am not a private person and authenticity is one of my strongest values…I’d love to tell you everything I’m thinking about something and everything that’s going on, but I have learned my lessons through the years on various blogs, and I’m just not going to go there.  So, what am I left with if I am choosing the semi-authentic path?  Hmmmm…well, maybe I can talk around the edges of things a little bit. 

If I could only talk around the edges of the adoption issue I would say that I read somewhere the other day that adoption can be so difficult because – yes – it is exciting and it does mean the start of a family, but it also signifies the end of a dream, or a plan, or whatever you want to call the expectation that you will start trying to have kids and then get pregnant and go on your merry way.  Of course, this isn’t true for everyone who is adopting, but I have found truth in that statement.  For us, getting pregnant is not a definite “no”…there is still the possibility that I could become pregnant because there is no good reason why after 6 years of trying I have not.  So, I am somewhat messed up about it all – hoping to get pregnant but also trying to be 100% in the adoption game.  It’s messing with me.  It messes with me on a monthly basis.  I try to “be strong” about it but some days I just have to cry.  I know, I know – suck it up.  I’m trying…slowly, I think that is happening.  And I do know that in the end, all will be well. 

If I had to talk around the edges of career things, I would say – I have 2 degrees and it’s frustrating that I can’t figure out what to do with them.  They would work together very well, but I have no idea how to figure crap out and make a plan, or if that’s even appropriate at this point in life.  I could start by taking small steps towards something.  Now would somebody please give me detailed instructions on what those small steps might be?  Just email them to me…that’d be great. 

If I could only talk around the edges of my life with a niece, I would say that she’s so cute to me.  I don’t like babies, but she is so cute and I honestly just want to go and see her every day even if all she does is sleep. 

There.  That covers some edges.  You have a bit of the crust…you can throw it away if you want.  If you want to continue a dialogue on some of these or other topics, let’s go for coffee, or send me an email…I don’t do the phone

May 12, 2009

I’m just sitting here watching the street sweepers clean the street and find myself somewhat bewildered. Bewildered because there is probably more water being used to clean the street than some African villages would use for all purposes put together (including survival) in probably quite a long time. The water being used on the street could probably save the lives of a number of people. Add the water used to clean THIS street to the water that is used to clean all of the streets in Saskatoon, or Saskatchewan, or Canada, and you get a whole lot of water that is being used to clean streets instead of save lives. This is very very weird to me. There is no reconciling it. What a messed up world.  So what do we do about this?  I have no clue.