November 4, 2009

I’m sitting here with an XL Tim Horton’s coffee to my left and a L Tim Horton’s coffee to my right.  ITS GONNA BE A GOOD DAY PEOPLE.  I predict some serious productivity this morning.  And then a massive crash this afternoon, which I’m pretty sure can be prevented by keeping the coffee flowing.  Ah, I love that there are many coffee fairies at work.

Not much else on the brain…yet.  Just wait til coffee #1 kicks in.  This morning I saw a jack rabbit and a deer on my walk with the dog.  At night when I’m walking the dog I hear coyotes that do not sound far away.  It’s like the wilderness out there people.  I keep myself from running back into the house by telling myself that they are a lot farther away than they sound.  I used to tell myself that coyotes don’t eat people.  But Jordon tells me they do.  I’m still deciding if I believe him or not, as he refers to me as his arch-nemisis; therefore I suspect that the statement “coyotes eat people” is a mere fabrication designed to make my life a teeny bit more scary.  I’ll have to do more research.

October 26, 2009

Note to self:

If knowing answers to life’s questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey.  You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowables – of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensibles, and most of all, things unfair.
  – Madame Jeanne Guyon

October 12, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving.  I’m working at my second job today.  It’s ok…the alternative is really no better.  Even though the pace of life with 2 jobs is too hectic, I still feel better in my center.  As in, by the end of Friday I didn’t feel like jumping off a bridge, which is generally how one feels when one hates their job.  Nope, the thought of having to go back to the job on Monday, or even if I would’ve had to go in again on Saturday, was not crazy-making.  Ah, what a relief.  It’s insane how miserable having a job that isn’t a good fit can make me.  And I only am really seeing it’s effects now that I’m out of it.  Again, I say, what a relief.

Feeling less displaced.  I think the impending doom of a big change is worse than actually being in the change and going through it.  I do better not knowing what’s ahead.  As in, it would’ve been much easier for me to wake up one morning and have someone say – ok, today you start a new job and life as you know it will be different.  I could deal with that better than knowing in advance that this would happen and then being left with my anxious brain to go over all of the worst case scenarios.  Brain, I am tired of you.  I am tired of your irrational thoughts, your negative spin on everything and the deep deep grooves in you where my thoughts seem to get stuck in for days, months, years.

Also contributing to my sense of belonging somewhere and having a home is that more people are moving into the houses around us.  We really were out in the boonies for a while.  Still are, but slowly there are more humans moving in.  This is helping.  More humans…maybe this will keep the coyotes away.  (I hear them yipping and howling at night a lot when I’m walking the dog…freaky.  They live just over the hill.  I don’t know if they eat people, but I should find out.)

So, for a few moments this weekend, maybe even a few hours, I think I spent some time with the real me.  And that was good.  I thought she was gone forever.  I was scared that I changed along with everything else and that now I had to figure myself out too.  Most thankful today for those people in my life who often know me better than myself, who have kept steering me towards the truth about who I am.  I hope that I can be present like this for people in my life and do the same for them.  This can really only happen when I am not so focused on myself.  Ugh…less me less me less me.  More of them less of me (I mean this in the least screwed up way possible!).  More of God less of me.  He must become more, I must become less.

September 25, 2009

I think I’m losing it.  This is not big news.  But I think I’m losing it.  That, or aliens are messing around with me.  Yesterday at lunch I went home and saw 2 signs on Circle Dr. that said something about the speed limit being patrolled by air craft.  2 signs.  At 3:00 yesterday afternoon, I was on Circle Dr. again and there were NO SIGNS, just posts where the signs were at noon.  What the?

September 17, 2009

Another thing I hate almost as much as the kleenex box situation is bangs in my eyes.  Or even close to my eyes.  Can’t handle it people.  The weird thing is that I don’t notice it’s happening until it’s too late and I get super irritated and all of a sudden I’m looking in a mirror over a sink with scissors in my hand cutting my bangs.  <sigh>  It’s another one of these irrational things of mine…I can transform myself into Lloyd Christmas in a very short amount of time.  However, I’ve learned some really great bang cutting moves, and I think I’m getting better.  My hairdresser and I have had many conversations about this…every time I go I hope she doesn’t notice I cut my own bangs, but somehow she always notices.  We’re at a place where she understands my problem and is trying to work with me…I might even get a pair of those thinning scissors so I can do a better job myself     I do know that the scissors I have at work DO NOT WORK.  Things go really sideways reeeeally fast when I use the work scissors.  Anyway…all of that to say…I feel an impulsive compulsive trimming of the bangs coming on…I should consider starting some kind of support group for people who trim their own hair and shouldn’t butcan’tstopthemselves.

“Bangs” is a weird word.

September 16, 2009

Ok, need to rant.  I don’t think I’ve done this for a long time…which is unusual.  I don’t know how many times I need to say that I HATE KLEENEX TISSUE BOXES.  This would appear to be one of those things I cannot let go.  I had yet another frustrating experience this morning…trying to buy kleenex tissue for an office and all of the boxes are absolutely ridiculous.  Spaceships? no thanks.  Pink and purple flowers?  nope.  How about just a bunch of circles that a 2 year old drew in colors that don’t match.  ummm no.  This is truly rage inducing people.  I’ve been told that there are some new designs coming out…I have even checked them out on the websites…but seriously where can I get them.  NOWHERE.  NO.WHERE.  How hard is this people.  Who is the person that thought that making hideous kleenex tissue boxes would be the way to go.  WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS.  And why does every company seem to suck just as much.  grr grr grr.  What a simple thing to make nice…seriously, a plain brown box would be nicer than 99.9% of what’s out there.  LEMME AT ‘EM.  I’m sick of staring at a shelf of kleenex tissue, trying to pick the best TERRIBLE option, and then getting frustrated, muttering to myself, and walking away mad.  Maybe it’s not a nice kleenex tissue box I need…maybe it’s counselling.

September 15, 2009

Hmmmmmm.  What to talk about.  The brain is a bit all over the place today.  So this might just be one of those stream-of-consciousness type posts…<gulp> Never know what I’m getting myself into when I do that

So, unpacking is going alright.  We’re not super intense about it this time, which is not how we normally are.  We usually want every single box unpacked within 2 days of moving in.  I think we’re just so happy to be there that we can put up with a lot more of a disaster than normal.  Speaking of disaster, our place is a whoooole lot muddier after the rain yesterday.  This is one of those absolutely irrational stressors for me – living in a mud pit with dogs.  I say dogS because it just so happened at the worst timing ever that we are looking after my brother’s brother’s wife’s dog.  Who has big, big paws.  Which collect lots and lots of dirt and mud.  Dogs go out, mud comes in.  And repeat.  I seriously have a physical reaction to this sometimes…like I can feel my blood pressure rising.  Rational?  No.  But it’s my reality right now.  I think back to Kenya and try to use some of that experience to tame this ugly beast.  In a city in Canada you see almost no dirt, unless you live in a new area.  There is street, sidewalk, grass, house…no dirt.  It’s SO CLEAN compared to Kenya where there is dirt everywhere.  When we were there the ol’ standards of clean had to drop many notches in order to stay anywhere clost to sane.  Like to even be in a spot where we could poke sanity with a stick and call out to it and say hi and tell it we missed it.  Mmmmyeah.  So anyhoo, mud is hard to deal with.  And I annoy myself when I’m this way about things that in the end do not matter.  Like seriously self, get it together.

Hmmmmm what else.  Have been given hope lately which is keeping me going for now.  Nothing may come of the situation but it’s been fun thinking outside of the small box of my life.  It’s good to remember what I’m about, what I want to be doing, that this is not all there is, that there are more possibilities.  Need to be thinking about the possibilities instead of just staying stuck in my job rut.  I’m taking the easy path right now, and in my experience, easy does not = growth.  Easy = slowly…rotting…away…  So we’ll see!  Something’s gotta give, and it just might give sooner than I thought.

That’s about it for now I guess.  More floating thoughts but must get something done…catch ya later.

May 8, 2009

This is seriously disturbing. I can’t get it out of my mind. So it might as well be in your mind too. Sausage is packed into intestines, people. Which means when you’re eating sausage you’re eating intestines. Basically, it’s like being on Survivor and getting to the immunity challenge where you have to eat a bunch of weird and foreign things that nobody should actually ever eat. I’ve got questions about this people. Like, where do you buy empty intestines to put the meat into anyway? And are they like super ultra cleaned somehow, or…what. I reeeeeally like sausage, but if I can’t get this out of my mind it could be over for me…Sometimes it helps to write out what you’re stressed about. Maybe this will heal me.

As you can tell, I’m kind of just coasting for the rest of the day, and these are the things that come to my mind.  Come on 5:00…quick, before some other traumatizing thoughts come to mind.

May 8, 2009

Hmmmmm. I’m having another one of those days where it feels like “everything” is “always” against me    Perhaps I’m feeling somewhat sorry for myself again. ARG. There is no reasoning with these feelings some days…must…not…give…in!  Also feeling very impatient. This is a problem. Must…not…give…in… I read somewhere some things that dying people wrote about life, and I remember that one of them said that all through life we are just waiting for things, and we might as well get used to it. When the thing that we are waiting for comes to us, there will only be something else that we then have to wait for and be impatient about. I recognize the truth in that…it’s just not translating into patience. I feel like choking some people right now. I feel like choking the systems that some people are a part of that makes them slow and that make me wait. I guess, if I force myself to see some positive thing in this, it is ok to be waiting impatiently for something, because that means that something good (or something that at this point I think is good) is ahead of me. That’s what I would say if I was held at gunpoint and forced to find something positive in it all. Otherwise, I’d rather just grumble about it.

May 7, 2009

Aw man…here’s one of the reasons I can’t stand borrowing books from the library.  I don’t get them done in time and sometimes I can’t renew them because other people have requested them.  RATS.  So, have not finished the ones I am reading…they must be returned.  What if I don’t WANT to return them.  Grrrrr.

I got a huge rock in my windshield on my way to work this morning.  Grrrrr.

Plans for the long weekend fell through.  Grrrrr.

Just found out the adoption paperwork will take another 3 weeks to be translated.  Grrrr.

I’m not having a great day so far people.  I need to go do some deep breathing now.