April 2, 2009

Well hello there. I haven’t had a lot to say lately, because – I’m going to be honest here – all that’s going through my mind is holy shit I’m done!!!!!!!!!!!!  Still feeling immense relief.  Everything is seen through different eyes – I can’t believe it.  I am so pumped that the school stress is no longer with me.  It felt like it would never ever happen, and here we are – it happened.  Now, if you’re wanting to play it safe, I’ll tell you what not to ask me.  Don’t ask me what I’m going to do with my degree, because you’ll get 1 of 2 responses.  1) a blank stare followed by a polite “I’m not sure”, or 2) something that involves physical harm.  It could go either way, depending on how much coffee I’ve had that day, what my hormone levels are, and what else is going on in my life   I don’t know what I’ll do now.  I have some very vague ideas – which were actually affirmed in my oral exam and that was cool – but for now, it is business as usual.  And that is going to be amazing, because all I HAVE to do is go to work and then come home.  The end.  I don’t have to think about doing school work, or try to enjoy something knowing that I should be doing school.  Holy shit I’m done.

Am spending some time in Kelowna this week.  Got here yesterday.  It is so nice to be with friends here and just be able to relax with no pressure to be or do anything.  Aaaah sweet relief.  A good way to celebrate being done!

I’M DONE!!!!! March 31, 2009

People, the moment I never thought would EVER get here is here.  I’m done school.  I passed the test.  That’s it.  That’s all.  I don’t have to be doing school work anymore.  I’m not sure I’ve ever experienced such a sense of relief.  I see things with completely different eyes…totally weird.  So, I’m just gonna go ahead and NOT STUDY or write papers right now…YES!

Today is the day March 30, 2009

HELP. Today is exam day people. 3:00pm for 2 hours. I think it’s today anyway. No one has actually confirmed that with me since December. And it’s kind of one of those things that I don’t want to bring up just in case by some miracle I can get out of it if no one remembers that I was supposed to do it today…

I feel fine about what I know. My brain is full. And at 5:00 today when my exam is over it will be empty. That always happens to me…I do not learn anything by memorizing it, so basically it’s gone from me forever the second after I write a test. There’s a lot that I don’t know (I understand how you might be surprised at that…) and at moments of weakness that freaks me out. Yesterday I made the huge mistake of opening up a textbook just to try to get a better understanding of a concept, and what did I find but SO MANY THINGS that I didn’t know at all yet. So I spent an anxious hour flipping through the textbook freaking out, and then I shut it and put it back on the shelf. I have since then been very careful to avoid all textbooks.

The oral nature of this exam is not good for me…not a strong point people. If it was written, it would still be a royal pain but there would not be nearly the anxiety attached to it. Alas, it is oral. And since it is a seminary, there are going to be a lot of the lame questions like – what’s your vision for your future, how does this degree affect your ministry, where is God calling you to – and crap like that. I hate how Christians in institutions often make stuff like that. Hey, what if I don’t have a vision for this right now? What if my vision is to get through the exam in one piece, the end. What if I don’t sense God is calling me anywhere right now except for to love the people in my life? What if I actually question every day what the hell I was thinking when I started out on this path?! So, if I need to have a good vision and plan for ministry, I’m hooped!

Anyway, I’m going to try and read a couple more things over, then I’ll shower (I guess that’s important today), then I’ll shuffle around for a bit and then head down south for the day. I’ll let you know how it goes. Unless it goes really really really bad and they totally fail me. Then I probably just won’t talk about it. And I suggest you don’t ask

Roll-Up Status: 2.5 wins – 14 losses

3 more days March 26, 2009

Everyone else seems to be counting down to a hot holiday somewhere, or a European vacation, or something grand like that, and I am counting down to my stupid exam.  I feel the sudden desire to punch the other people in the throat (that one was mainly for Bart; even though he’s not a reader, I know he’d appreciate it if he was).  No offence to all of the travellers…it’s not personal, really.  Aaaaaarg I need this thing to be over. I’m holding up ok, however, my stress level is a meniscus right now, and every once in a while the meniscus breaks and the stress spills over the edge. I overreact to weird random stuff. (Example – I almost lost it COMPLETELY today when someone at work was standing beside me at the computer, jingling the change in his pocket. You might say to yourself, hmmm that doesn’t seem odd. But when I say COMPLETELY I mean it. I’m sure my blood pressure was near fatal levels and I may have even broke a sweat. I did, eventually, tell him to STOP IT.) Or, I react externally to stuff when normally I would react internally and then respond externally. And what perfect timing…I have pms to deal with people. The hormones, the stress, not good. Basically what this means is – don’t piss me off. The 1/2 hour per day studying has been going ok…I think I’ve only missed 1 day this week so that’s actually pretty good. I absolutely cannot wait to have this out of my hair. I’m sure you can’t wait for me to stop talking about it. The day is on its way, and right now I feel like it cannot get here too quickly. Honestly, if I could take the test tomorrow I would do it.

It’s my last day of work tomorrow until April 7th and I honestly haven’t even thought about it. I’m not excited about it. I can’t think about life past this blasted exam. I really can’t. SO WEIRD. I’m going to Kelowna next week, and normally would be totally stoked, but I haven’t had the mental space for it to sink in. When people say “How are we going to celebrate when you’re done?” I give a blank stare and then say “We’re not.” It feels like it’s never going to be over, like it’s never going to happen that I will get my life back from the death grip of school.

Ok ok enough. G’night.

My whole weekend March 22, 2009

…looked like this. Me on the couch with the laptop, the books, and the dog – who was constantly begging for belly rubs. I’ve had better weekends…

Well, ok, I have to come clean. Most of the weekend involved me being unshowered looking all greasy and homeless, wearing unmatching sweats and shirts. But there were a couple of hours where I was actually showered.

Only one more week until the exam people.

This is potentially going to be one long, stressful, terrible week.  Stressful because I “should” be studying but won’t be.  Terrible because I “should” be studying but won’t be.  I’m a terrible little studier.  I’m setting a goal right now to do 1/2 hour a day, period.  And then at the end of the 1/2 hour, if it’s not completely killing me, I can choose to do more but I don’t have to.  The end.  It does seem like that won’t be nearly enough time spent studying, but if I don’t set teeny goals like this, my brain craps out on me and thinks that it’s all or nothing – either I study ALL evening or it doesn’t pay.  So, I have to set my teeny goals.

Side note: I originally typed “my brain craps out OF me” up there but thankfully caught it.  But then I had to share that with you just in case you’re desperately needing a laugh

I hate studying March 20, 2009

Well, Friday is upon us.  Even though this week was made up of days that seemed like they would never end, somehow Friday feels like it came quick.  Maybe this is part of me feeling like I need to figure out how to slow time…people, I have 10 days left until my exam.  I’ve not been allowing my brain to calculate how many days are left, but it’s quite obvious at this point that 30 minus 20 is 10.  CRAP.  On one hand, this is a very good feeling.  Only 10 more days of having to think about this.  Only 10 more days of feeling like I should be doing schoolwork.  10 MORE DAYS!  On the other hand, this is freaky and stressful.  I only have 10 more days to study.  HELP.  Ok, just gonna warn you – unhelpful response at this point is “Oh, it’ll be fine; you’ll do fine.”  As good as the intentions behind that statement may be, I’m tired of hearing it and it’s not helpful.  For some people (i.e. mothers) this is clearly a way of managing their own anxiety about me doing the test.  Let’s face it, I have not stood up to this thing in the past couple of years.  Overall, I do think that people believe it will be fine.  I believe it will be fine.  But when I say I’M FREAKING OUT and someone then says, oh you’ll do fine, I feel like that person is minimizing the hell I’m going through because of this thing.  I know that’s not the intention…this is just how I’m responding inside to these types of comments right now.  And what if it’s NOT fine people?  When someone says “it’ll be fine” it makes it less likely that I will be able to face that person if I fail, if it is not fine.  At the end of the day, I believe “it will be fine.”  Right now I’m just trying to get to the end of the day…And right now I just need it to be ok that I’m freaking out about this thing most of the time.  Greg has actually been pretty great these last few days.  I think it can be hard for spouses to support each other when one is going through a rough patch.  I don’t know about you, but when I’m the one going through the rough patch I become somewhat miserable and hard to be around.  Which in turn makes it hard for Greg to ramp up the TLC at a time when I desperately need it – hard for him not to just flee from the scene and avoid me like the plague.  But this year he has been ramping it up and that is definitely helping.  Some of my needs right now are somewhat irrational, but he’s doing the best he can to make life easy for me.  So that’s good news.

Not so good news?

Roll-Up Status: 1.5 wins – 9 losses

It’s time for a Bible lesson March 14, 2009

First things first…

Roll-Up Status: 1 win – 8 losses BOOOOOO

Ok, so I guess it’s time for a Bible lesson. You might get a few of these in the next couple of days because I keep coming across some good stuff in my notes as I try to study. While the good stuff is somewhere in my brain and is weaved into the way that I view the world, it’s not always at the forefront, and not always in a form that I can put into words. The good stuff deserves to be shared with others, and should not spend its days in my Rubbermaid bucket…

Simple thing that I’m pondering right now, really. It’s about secrets, and how most of the time we insist on hiding shameful details of our lives, but in doing so they do not lose power. They gain power. I’m not saying that we need to tell the world every little thing about us, all of the messy details…that’s not good either.  BUT keeping everything a secret gives power to the secret.  Now, here’s the Bible lesson part…in the genealogy given in Matthew, the whole David/Bathsheba thing is mentioned.  1:6 says “and Jesse the father of King David.  David was the father of Solomon, whose mother had been Uriah’s wife”.  That’s quite the random detail to include in the genealogy when there are pretty much no other random details mentioned other than names.  The secret is out in the open.  The Old Testament shameful act mentioned in the New Testament, out in the open, recorded for all time.  I think that kind of openness and unhiddenness is pretty cool…

You know what else is cool?  SKYPE.  I just had a little Skype call with a friend and it was sweet.  Ah, technology now days…

Studying with a mushy brain March 8, 2009

…is not going so well.  However, I am finding a lot of gold in these notes of mine.  One thing I read that my mind keeps going back to…there was something about pain and how we always ask WHY.  Why did “God do this” or why did “God allow this to happen” or why did I do that or why did he or she do that…WHY WHY WHY.  We demand reasons when lots of times there may be none.  Really, the “why” questions will never lead to healing.  Even if we had the answers, the pain would most likely remain unchanged.  It is hard not to ask those questions because human beings are meaning-making creatures…must make meaning of circumstances.  But the “why” questions are rarely where it’s at.  More helpful questions might be -  how am I going to respond to this?  How will I let it affect me?  Or a more dramatic way of putting it might be: where in my heart will this pain lodge itself?

Roll-Up Status: 1 win – 6 losses

March 6, 2009

I have mailed the paper.  I have mailed THE paper.  YESSSSS.  What a relief.  Probably the understatement of the week, but my death cold brain can’t come up with anything else, so I’ll go with that.

In other news – I WON A COFFEE today.  Yessssss.  What a great Friday

Roll-Up Status: 1 win – 5 losses

March 3, 2009

Hmm, it’s been a while.  What’s important other than my roll-up status, which is not improving…

Roll-Up Status: 0 wins – 5 losses.

COME ON.  Is anyone out there winning anything at all?  Greg hasn’t won anything either.  Well, there go the plans for my future.

Good news about school – I’m ALMOST done my big bad paper.  I think I’ve said that before, but this time I mean – I’ve quit “working on it” and mainly only have some minor changes left and then I GIVE UP.  I’m sending it.  It’s not the best I can do, but I’ve come to the realization that masters level research does-not-matter and I don’t need a great mark, I just need a COMPLETE.  The end.  Now I’m facing a giant Rubbermaid bucket with all of the notes I’ve ever taken that I need to study…<gulp>  ‘Tis hard to face that giant bucket.  And then I do my oral comprehensive exam on the 30th and then I’m DONE.  The end is FINALLY in sight!!

Nothing much else to note.  Some things that I’m thinking about lately … whether or not God really cares about specific details in our lives (please nobody just tell me that “of course He does” unless you can back it up because I really don’t think it’s that simple); the fact that when it comes right down to it, I’m totally alone in this world even though there are people all around me and I have good relationships in my life…weird…I guess that’s just something we all come to terms with at some point; and what it means to make a judgment of grace and tell the truth because of the greater good.  Mmmmyeah, my brain is kind of in think mode right now.  If I come up with anything good I’ll let you know.